This post is about blood and goo and life and the human body.
If you’re squeamish about blood and goo and life and the human body, read no further.
There is a dear young woman in my life who got her first period over the summer. Her mother e-mailed me because the two of them are celebrating with a spa day tomorrow, and she asked if I wanted to write any words of wisdom or encouragement to share with her daughter. Here is part of what I wrote:
- Congratulations! I am so happy for you!Why am I happy for you? It may not be the reason you think.
Yes, you are commemorating a transition into womanhood, something that you share with billions of women who have gone before you. Something that unlocks the possibility of bearing children someday. (WAY in the future, young lady.) Something that you can commiserate about with other women in the ladies’ room. (I have found the sisterhood to be very generous with sharing feminine supplies when needed.)
And that is all wonderful, but that’s not why I’m happy for you.
I’m happy for you because you are in a family that celebrates such a milestone as the rite of passage that it is–not something to be whispered about, but a natural part of life. As you enjoy a girly day with your mom, consider that some women are raised to ignore their bodies, or even worse, fear or loathe them. This still happens even today. Menstruation is too often seen as dirty and shameful, not as part of the natural cycle of things.
This business of getting one’s period can be awkward while you get the hang of it. That’s the reality, but know that it was the reality for everyone else too. What you have on your side, I think, is a positive self-image, and a wonderful family who cares about you and loves who you are. Don’t forget that. You are a powerful woman, with the power to create right there within you! I don’t just mean creating babies. You can create life, through your ideas and dreams, your projects and pursuits. Enjoy the life you’ve been given.
Love,
RM
I am sure that young women have a healthier and more open attitude toward menstruation generally than young women a few generations ago. We have come a long way, but there’s still plenty to get hung up about regarding our bodies. Consider this recent New York Times article, from the Health section: (I think registration is required, but it’s free, and hey, it’s the Times, you should be registered anyway.)
According to the M.D. who wrote the article, apparently some men are so traumatized by seeing their wives give birth that they do not find them sexually attractive anymore. “Several men have confessed to me that they never regained the same romantic view of their wives that they had before seeing them deliver children… [One man said], ‘I think one of the main reasons I don’t feel attracted to my wife is that I saw her give birth three times. It’s like I know too much about that part of her.’ The mystery is gone.”
Later he questions the utility of showing men anatomical drawings of their mate during childbirth classes: “I don’t know what is gained by showing the cross-sectional anatomy of a woman’s torso to her lover.”
And he closes the article with this: “Women may want to consider the risks as they invite their partners to watch them bring new life into the world. For some of the passion that binds them together may leave their lives at the very same time.”
I am sympathetic to men, and women, who are extremely squeamish about blood, or who took part in an extremely traumatic birth that continues to haunt them. This article does not focus on either of these. The men are not identified as squeamish generally; the births in the article are routine, uncomplicated births.
And yet the author seems to suggest that, in addition to all the other anxieties a pregnant woman is carrying around, it is also her job to “consider the risks” of having her beloved along for the big moment. The implication is that women cooked up this whole cockamamie idea, and that they “invite” their partners to spectate the event, like it was a truck and tractor show; in reality, most men in my generation would not have wanted to miss the birth of their own children for the world. Besides, I did not invite the Mr. to watch me bring new life into the world. I expected him there to do what he could to help me get through a grueling physical and emotional event.
But for me the most disturbing part of the article is this business about the “mystery” surrounding a woman’s sexual organs. “What is gained by showing a man a poster of a woman’s reproductive system?” the author asks. Is the female body, in all its complexity, really so distasteful that it’s better to keep the guy in the dark about his wife’s parts? Does clear and objective information really kill the libido?
I would venture to say that if a man can’t handle an anatomical diagram, he’s going to have a bear of a time with breastfeeding… not to mention the realities of life as his partner’s body ages, sags, wrinkles, emits gas, flabs, and breaks out in liver spots. Yikes.
I am supremely irritated by this article. Could you tell? But I’m mainly sad.
But more than that, I am happy for the beloved young woman in my life, who will enjoy a manicure and pedicure tomorrow with her mother to celebrate her passage into womanhood. And I am thankful that she, and many like her, are being encouraged to love and accept their bodies, which are “fearfully and wonderfully made, intricately woven in the depths of the earth.”*
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Asides
» I have been remiss in posting SBJ’s latest stats: 23 pounds and 27 inches at six months. Yes, I’ve got the big mama biceps.
» Aaaaaand little she-who-is lost another tooth this week!
» SBJ is four months old, 19 pounds 5 ounces, and 26 inches tall. GIGANTOR!
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Sounds like she’s lucky to have her mom and to have you.
She is lucky to have her mom and you. Beautiful note to her, RM!
I am saving your note to give to my daughter one day. I treasure your insights.
We’re probably not too far away from that rite of passage in this family; thank you for sharing the idea of a spa day!
I, too, found the Times article disturbing, almost more than I can say.
Well, I’m going to risk commenting on the experience of the men the article talks about. I believe that for many men, sexuality is a means to escape death (a mythology)– the very drive to reproduce seems a biological imperative to outlive one’s self. But I think being present at childbirth (or contemplating anatomical diagrams) brings home how mortal we really are (there is such raw vulnerability) — a strange sort of way of staring mortality (death) in the face, even if it is also miraculous and beautiful (life-full).
What I would hope is that the breaking apart of a mythological sexuality through such events could become a maturing point, so that this de-mythologizing could lead to a deeper sexuality, a non-naive one. But I know how hard it is to give up our myths, and it is sad that so many men try to return to their mythological world. Childish. But perhaps sadly understandable in a way too?
Ever heard the Swift poem The Lady’s Dressing Room? It plays with this mythologizing of women/demythologizing of sexuality, and probably concurs with this article on an all-too-typical male experience (poem).
Mr. Cloudy, I wish you had written an article instead of that guy!
I’ve never witnessed a woman giving birth, but I have witnessed a dog, several cats, a pig, a cow, a horse, a few sheep, and a goat involved in that activity. In fact, with the cow, we had to strap a “calf puller” on to her hips and help pull the baby out because it was trapped on her pelvis. We then had to shove the uterus back inside the cow because it had struggled so hard to give birth that it had pushed it out along with the baby.
Of course, I never had sex with any of those other animals. However, there was no “mystery” about their sex organs. In fact, I had also seen several of those animals make those babies that were later born. Pretty hard to be mysterious like that.
The pure biology of the different species is fairly close, though. What is gained by seeing a cutaway of a woman’s body? A biological perspective on the life you have helped create. A greater understanding that we truly are a miracle - and so is every living creature on the planet.
My wife knows that I’m not thrilled about the prospect of seeing her give birth, and it amuses her that I can have seen so much and still be squeamish. It isn’t the blood and gore that bothers me (though I’m not thrilled about it - a real miracle would be a clean birth). It’s the fact that it will be HER that is straining and hurting and that it will be ME who can do nothing to ease it.
I don’t like feeling helpless.
However, as I said, any life she brings forth will also be partly my effort. If she can go through it, it seems that the least I can do is hold her hand through it. I would do so if she were dying; why would I not do so when she is gifting life to the world?
XT
I wish that my generation had been that open! My mom had ordered *The Kit* on of the back of the Kotex box. Gave it to me so that I would be prepared. It contained Kotex and that wretched belt that you had to wear with them then and some pamphlets. We did not even read through it together or anything! She also bought me a book on how babies were made. I came home from school one day and she whispered, *I have put a book in your bottom drawer that you need to read.* To this day, I only remember the picture of a chicken and rooster doing it.
Well, okay, yes, but–
Unless you’re a little messed up, blood and shit are the opposite of sexy. Let’s not pretend that basic fact doesn’t enter into this.
I had no problem being present while my wife was propped open like a Chevy to deliver twins via C-section, and it had no effect on my attraction to her. But is it really that big a stretch that seeing those things associated with that intimate area of one’s beloved might put somebody off?
As well, women go out of their way to make that intimate area, er, appetizing and nice to be around. If a man’s first clue that this may not be the natural truth involves blood, tearing, involuntary bowel movement, and extreme pain, who can blame him for being just the slightest bit affected by it?
I’m not saying anybody who’s commented is wrong; but maybe it could be more productive to try to understand the other’s differing viewpoint–maybe even empathize–than to assume the difference is a shortcoming and focus on its political or mythological resonance.
Which isn’t to say there aren’t quite valid things to say about political or mythological resonances. But those are the observer’s issues. They’re completely irrelevant to the man who now has a problem finding his wife sexually attractive.
Excellent post! I thought that my family was pretty good about celebrating my first period and making it an exciting, if slightly nerve-wracking, event rather than a humiliating one, but the spa day idea and the soliciting of congratulatory letters is just fabulous. And I love your letter!
OK, let me get this right…
The porn industry is a big one in this country/world, with all kinds of angles/insertions/ab”normal”ities/etc. of womens’ bodies but a guy can’t view his partner as sexy after seeing her give birth?
I don’t get it!
Sure. It might “put somebody off,” yes. To then say that men can get PTSD as a result of a routine birth, and then put the onus on the women to protect our menfolk from this, seems pretty hyperbolic, or something.
Women “bleed and shit” from that area routinely, and I would suggest that if childbirth is a “man’s first clue-in” to that fact, well, that’s a special kind of denial. And of course men don’t witness those normal body functions, whereas in childbirth it’s all out there, but I would suggest that if it’s that big an issue, he can stay north of the navel during childbirth, which a friend of mine (who’s very squeamish) opted to do. Cried like a baby when his kids were born. Wouldn’t it have been a shame for him to miss that. If his wife had read this article and bought into the fear-mongering, he just might have.
Sure. It might “put somebody off,” yes. To then say that men can get PTSD as a result of a routine birth, and then put the onus on the women to protect our menfolk from this, seems pretty hyperbolic, or something.
PTSD’s going a little far, I agree–but since it’s a reality that some men are bothered by this, doesn’t it make sense to accept that and think about how best to handle it?
Isn’t making accomodations for your partner’s imperfections part of marriage? I mean, if I were aware that something I was going to have to go through was going to affect my wife negatively, I’d think a lot more about how to lessen that negative effect than about how the onus is on me and she shouldn’t be bothered by it.
Yes, hence my suggestion that he stay near her head during the birth, or that they find other ways to cope short of kicking him out if he would otherwise want to be there.
What you/we are suggesting and what the good doctor seems to be saying are two different things. People here seem to be bothered by the hysterical tone of the article and many of its specific assertions, rather than the general notion that aspects of childbirth can be upsetting for some people, which I doubt anyone would dispute.
And, of course, Safari crashed on me before I could hit POST COMMENT…
I don’t see hysteria in that article. I do see a poorly considered conclusion. I also think the option of staying at the head of the bed should have been more explicitly suggested at the end, not just the beginning.
But what I also see is an attempt to honestly describe the men he encounters in his practice. These guys do suffer unpleasant consequences from being seeing what they see in the delivery room, and by extension, so do their wives; and their wives probably do “invite” them to be there.
So I think the good part of this is that somebody finally talked about it. The bad part is what I feel was a poor choice of words at the end, which, if I’m hearing you, is where the accusation of “fear-mongering” comes from.
Sort of siding with Keith on this one… the balance of the article is observational. He’s seen men who have this reaction. Fair enough… I personally am pretty judgemental of such men, but the author stayed above the fray for a while. While reading I was thinking this was going to be a “look how men are neandrathals” POV.
But at the end he loses me: “I don’t know what is gained by showing the cross-sectional anatomy of a woman’s torso to her lover. […] Women may want to consider the risks as they invite their partners…”
OK, now I can group this author in with the men I’m judgemental about.
He seems to be advocating the perpetuation of the mythology of perfection that exists in the early stages of any relationship. Eventually, you see what your lover’s face looks like without makeup. You hear the noises she makes in the bathroom. You discover things that might annoy you. Part of a maturing relationship is dealing with all of that and still loving (or leaving if it doesn’t work out).
I’d argue that you’d better have gotten to the point where witnessing childbirth isn’t going to throw you for a loop *before* you have kids.
Or really, before you make a *life long* commitment to be with someone. Remember that whole “in sickness and in health” thing? What if your “lover” is in a bad car accident? Has some disease? You may be changing bedpans. If that’s the end of your sex life, you weren’t ready to be married.
-R
First of all — I love that letter too. My first period, which started in a rather embarrassing way, was a very awkward thing in our old-fashioned household…my mother acted as if I were ill, my father — who usually treated me like Dad’s li’l helper, fishing buddy, etc. — started keeping me at arm’s length, treating me like an alien…I hated it. Things are so much better now. A friend of mine’s husband, when one of their daughers had her first period, would take her out to an expensive grownup dinner at a fancy white-linen-tablecloth restaurant; I thought that was so sweet. Other friends had girls-and-women’s-only “coming of age” parties for their girls, where they ate a lot, laughed a lot and shared a lot of girlie wisdom to the new woman in their midst.
Secondly…just shaking my head over the “Childbirth is too icky for the poor fellers” article. Some days I am just so DARN glad to be me…thank you, God.
I wanted, wanted, wanted to make WG’s special day a lovely memory. She wanted no. part. of it. I remember exactly how it happened (from the other side of the bathroom door, of course). Now, more than two years later, she’s a little more forthcoming talking about it. We have our lovely rituals quite often–just not tied to that particluar moment.
Cheesehead, StrongOpinions also didn’t want to talk about it…now at 17 she’s very blunt about talking about it. Ah, yes, parenting teen women is an adventure. she’s not really big on spa days (although her mother is), but would love to celebrate by my taking her to the artist supply store, where she can max out my credit card in nanoseconds. To each her own.
Ah, ReverendMother, that letter is beautiful. Back in the day, when it happened to me, I also got the Kit that Mindy described. Plus the Roman Catholic pamphlet telling me what I shoudn’t do. No wonder I was so confused about my body for so long. Such a wonderful thing to see how the world has changed. A friend of mine said her mother slapped her, and told her that was what they did in their tradition. Ish!
Guys who commented on the childbirth article: thanks for some honest opinions and observations. My ex was there for the birthing of our three, and I’m glad he was, even though in lots of other ways he wasn’t there for me. PH hasn’t been through the childbirth experience, but he’s been with me for the raising of three teens from my prior marriage, and that has sometimes been a whole lot yuckier than anything he could have seen in the delivery room. I think hanging in there for the yucky parts (whatever they may be) is part of the deal.
Fascinating dialogue, friends!