Jon Stewart’s Daily Show used to have a helpful segment called “Mark Your Calendars,” that provided information about commemorative events like National Hug-a-Tree Day or somesuch. Unfortunately, they don’t have that feature anymore, otherwise I would have known that Talk Like a Pirate Day was two weeks ago.
Another one I missed: this week is Screw Around Your Customers Week. Bet you didn’t know that either, eh? Well, here are a few guidelines to make the most of the few days you have left to give people the runaround:
1. If you work at a retreat center, help a local pastor arrange to spend a few days of study leave at your facility—the first, a Monday afternoon; the second, a two-day visit a few weeks hence, with an overnight in between. Be sure to confirm the dates via e-mail. The false sense of security you convey will only mean a better payoff later during SAYCW.
2. When the pastor arrives on Monday afternoon, make sure you’re in a meeting and nobody else knows what she’s talking about. Coach your co-workers to look at her like she’s slightly crazy.
3. When she shows them the e-mail on her laptop with that day’s date clearly displayed, and with your name at the bottom, ask them to claim ignorance, and to tell her there is no room and that someone will call her back later.
4. They may be tempted to say they’re sorry for the inconvenience. They are wusses. Forbid them from doing do.
5. Leave a message on the pastor’s cell phone the next day, confirming her visit on Thursday (which was not one of the confirmed dates). Tell her you are checking on the overnight date. Do not acknowledge Monday’s snafu, or the fact that yes, that overnight date that’s now up in the air had been previously confirmed. DO NOT APOLOGIZE. This is not National Apology Week.
1. If you work in a doctor’s office, take a message from a woman inquiring about her test results, which the lab told her would be back today. Assure her that someone will get back to her right away. Hang up the phone and snicker.
2. When the woman calls back around 4:30, tell her that because it’s nearing the close of business, that nobody will have time to get back to her that day; she will hear something tomorrow.
3. When she tells you that she left a message three hours ago and was assured of a call back, tell her that the office asks that people wait 24 hours before inquiring about test results.
4. Consider it a mark of a job well done when you’re able to get off the phone before the woman has the presence of mind to ask why the hell this wasn’t made clear the first time she called. Clasp your fingers together in front of you and do your best Monty Burns: “Excellent.”
1. If you work in a sandwich shop, inform the pregnant woman, who has been craving panini all day, that the grill is not working.
2. Equipment malfunction, of course, is not your doing, so it doesn’t really count as screwing around your customer. You must think quickly so as to still get credit. Hmm…
3. Ask if the customer wants mayonnaise or mustard on her BLT. When she clearly and loudly says mayonnaise, which everyone knows is the backbone of the BLT, ignore her. Bag up her dry sandwich and lament the fact that you have no mustache to twirl villainously.
I hope these tips help you, Dear Reader, make the most of Screw Around Your Customers Week. Next week: Patience is a Virtue Week. Someone else will have to write that one.
25 Responses to “mark your calendars”
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Asides
» I have been remiss in posting SBJ’s latest stats: 23 pounds and 27 inches at six months. Yes, I’ve got the big mama biceps.
» Aaaaaand little she-who-is lost another tooth this week!
» SBJ is four months old, 19 pounds 5 ounces, and 26 inches tall. GIGANTOR!
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LOL
Your pity parties are so much more fun, creative, and whimsical than mine. It makes my forgotten glass of water at lunch look pretty inconsequential now…
But one correcton, at least, IMHO…Mayo is NOT the backbone of a BLT…Kraft Miracle Whip is…
Don’t let the bastards get you down. Peace out.
I humbly stand corrected. You are absolutely right. It is a testament to the demoralizing effects of SAYCW that I did not dare to even hope for that tangy zip.
It’s a conspiracy….
I don’t know what ChiRev is smoking, but he is Dead Wrong.
Ugh, tough days, huh? Sorry. GUess I shouldn’t go near a store this week. So far I’ve been WAY too busy to even think about it anyway!!
Not Shy—you are daring to argue with a pregnant woman? A pregnant woman who is pissed? Ooh, you’re daring. Sorry RM about the terrible horrible no good very bad day.
I agree about the tangy zip.
Can we spank those people at the Retreat Center? At least they shouldn’t be screwing around with a pregnant pastor.
I will write my Congressman! We will get to the bottom of this! Someone get that woman a correct BLT!
Aurora Greenway: It’s past ten. My daughter is in pain. I don’t understand why she has to have this pain. All she has to do is hold out until ten, and IT’S PAST TEN! My daughter is in pain, can’t you understand that! GIVE MY DAUGHTER THE SHOT!
you wonder if the sisters at the retreat center were away on holiday and had temp workers just pretending to be nuns that f*** with you. now that should be a reality show!!!
This was howlingly funny!
I definitely want to be a pretend nun, PastorG. That could be lots of fun!
ROFL.
And I’m with Cheesehead–Miracle Whip is sweet and nasty. Mayo rocks.
I actually can go either way with the eternal mayo/Miracle Whip debate. What I don’t get is the people I went to seminary with (and there were MANY) who cannot.stand.mayonnaise. They were convinced that mayo consisted of rotten eggs, and no amount of explanation on my part would deter them.
These seminarians are now pastors in small-town southern America. How on earth they are getting along graciously as LOLs (little old ladies) invite them over for tuna salad, chicken salad, and various other southern concoctions is beyond me. (There is an advantage to my being able to eat anything, who’da thunk it would be a vocational advantage too?)
Not for nothing, but homemade mayo is AMAZING.
Update: I have left four messages with the midwives’ office over the last two days. They keep saying someone will get back to me. The receptionist is trying to be reassuring–”normally if you don’t hear anything that means everything’s OK.” Yeah, thanks for trying, but the word “normally” pretty much invalidates the whole rest of that sentence… especially since you’re telling me that you all are short-staffed. So I’m not operating under the “no news is good news” rule. No news is simply no news. I am expecting good news, but I am not taking it for granted.
Mamala has an Aurora-esque flair for the dramatic, to be sure. When we were babies did you pinch us while we were asleep to make sure we were still alive? Because I can see you doing that.
ChiRev-Miracle whip? Blecchhh! We need to get you on a palate-re-education program, pronto.
RM-the week is almost over. hang in there.
I also HATE Miracle Whip, but I always have to have some on hand because my husband likes it better. I grew up mostly in the south, he’s from Iowa. Maybe it’s a regional thing . . .
QG-”sweet and nasty”. Says it all. LOL
Mamala has an Aurora-esque flair for the dramatic, to be sure. When we were babies did you pinch us while we were asleep to make sure we were still alive? Because I can see you doing that.
Of course I did.
Growing up in Texas, we NEVER had mayo in the house, EVER. My mother ONLY bought Miracle Whip, so it is all I really know.
In all honesty, I’ve started elminating BOTH mayo and MW from my menu, opting for the lower fat option of mustard.
And RM, if you need me to make a call to the clinic using my James-Earl-Jonesesque-kick-some-ass-serious-former-lawyer voice….I’m there. All the best…
Ah, mustard…that we can agree on. I grew up in the shallow south of southern Indiana and didn’t know that there was anything but French’s yellow. Now I have at least three different varieties in my fridge at any given moment.
(…but it still doesn’t work on a BLT.)LOL
late to the party but have laughed so much at all this - not at your expense rev mother but with you, with you
Brilliant, RM. Sorry about the screw-ups!
Oh, I just read ChicagoRev’s assertion that Kraft Miracle Whip belongs on a BLT. IMNSHO, Miracle Whip doesn’t belong anywhere near food!
Yay on the gestational diabetes test.
I will not eat miracle whip. Ever. Never.
This is a great post and very funny although I’m sorry these things happened to you!
Glad you passed your test. Must be all that studying you did.