I’m feeling a bit down today. It’s snowing a little outside, but not the good kind. I was with both the girls this morning and felt like I had limited patience and energy for both. How do you play with a spirited preschooler when your baby will only nap in your arms?
Monday I told C we’d go to the playground. M screamed in the stroller the whole way. I persisted because I knew she was tired and I figured she’d fall asleep. She didn’t. C made exactly two trips down the slide, then we rushed home with a squalling M. By the time we walked in the door, Zzzzzz. So we had hot chocolate, which makes everything a little better.
I’m also down because I’ve been living in this comfortable box—the four walls of this house, and perhaps the four sides of this computer screen too. It’s been a cozy nest, and I’ve been pretty oblivious to the outside world. I saw some church folks last night—the deacons had a little shower for me at a member’s house. I brought M with me, who slept the whole time. They gave us some gifts for C, a huge basket full of baby stuff, and several casseroles. It was great to see them, but while I was there I learned about two loved ones who are very ill.
This isn’t some maternity leave boundary cross. I would have wanted to know about them. It’s just the fact that they’re sick. It hurts me to know they’re hurting. Being with the folks last night was a dose of reality. People live their lives, they’re happy to see you, they get sick, they sometimes get better. And in a few weeks I’ll be back out in that world as a pastor.
Most of these deacons are stay-at-home moms, including the host of the gathering, who is quitting her job in a few weeks in anticipation of her second child being born this summer. The second child does seem to be the tipping point. So why am I not tipping over? Sometimes I look at these women and I think, I want what they have. Trouble is, I’m not sure what exactly they have that I want. I want time and space with my family and myself, I want those things to be a priority, but I also want to work. Don’t I? Maybe what I want is an attitude thing more than anything else. So that’s good right, because attitude is the thing that one has control over, regardless of the situation. Unfortunately my good attitude gets derailed all the time and I’m left with, Well, maybe tomorrow.
Bleh. Like I said… down.
20 Responses to “grey wednesday”
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Asides
» I have been remiss in posting SBJ’s latest stats: 23 pounds and 27 inches at six months. Yes, I’ve got the big mama biceps.
» Aaaaaand little she-who-is lost another tooth this week!
» SBJ is four months old, 19 pounds 5 ounces, and 26 inches tall. GIGANTOR!
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Overwhelmed? That’s what triggered a little postpartum depression in me, after the births of baby 2, 3 & 4.
Not being able to give their siblings the care and attention that I had been able to give them previously made me feel inadequate. On the other hand, they *had* siblings, which is, in itself, a great gift!
I could never live in Seattle as I need the sunshine too much.
I’ve been out of work for 3 months now and you’d think I would be dying to get a job…I’m not.
I still want to be all things to all people. As I’m living my dream here in DC, I’m so totally feeling guilty that my mother will soon leave the hospital rehab that she has been living in for 4 months, and I won’t be there to help my brothers out with this new situation for her.
A wise person once told me not to compare other people’s outsides with my insides.
And it’s ok to have a bad attitude every once in awhile, so go with it, if you can. This, too, shall pass.
I don’t know what I’m trying to say here…just that I want to “kiss it, and make it all better” for you, my dear….
i’ve been bummed today too—due to the weather and that today is the 25th anniversary of my mother-in-law’s death and the 14th anniversary of my daddy’s death. i think i could endure any of the 3, but all three on the same day. ick.
let’s hope the sun come’s out tomorrow (as annie might sing on broadway)
mamala one of my favorite stocking gifts for my adult kids is outrageously decorate band-aids. it’s my way of trying to “kiss it and make it all better” from afar.
(o)
(o)
From my experience of parish ministry and my conversations with pastors, I have concluded that one of the most difficult elements of that work is the fact that you can never achieve a point of feeling satisfied that you have done all that reasonably needs to be done. The prospect of taking on that un-doable to-do list again is enough to make a deeply sane person like you reconsider the wisdom of the future you are looking at. I have worked 80% time for the past 12 years, and I believe that being “part-time” rather than “full-time” has helped me maintain more reasonable self-expectations about my work so I could enjoy home and family more fully.
I hope your spirits lift soon. It’s sunny in the midwest, so the cure for SAD may be headed your way.
I love the idea of not comparing others’ outsides with my inside…hugely cheering!
Sorry you’re having a mis. day, rm…hope for sunshine and smiles tomorrow
I’ll trade you some of our incessant sun for a bit of that grey blanket.
Bleh blows, eh? Maybe tomorrow…
Hot chocolate is indeed good, but so is sunshine. Writing today from clergy group time in northern Florida. The sun is incredibly restorative. Mamala is right.
This too shall pass and all will be better. The bulbs are peeking out of the ground and the forsythia will bloom before long and all will be better. I completely promise –
Okay, everybody join in…raise your hot chocolate mugs (WITH whipped cream of course) and sing…..
“….bet your bottom dollar that tomorrow….there’ll be sun…
just thinking about…”
February sometimes sucks. It was my late mother’s least favorite month, because a number of bad things happened to her in February. She was sure she’d die in February, but she confounded us all by passing in January. We were confounded, that is, until we realized that the day of her funeral was Bill Clinton’s second inaugural, and as a lifelong ardent Republican she a) didn’t want to listen to it on the TV, and b) wanted to give her friends an alternative to it on that day. I kid you not.
This too shall pass. I never had anything more than 3 days meternity leave. Boy, was I dumb! Eat chocolate. Have a beer. All will get better, I promise.
Bleh, indeed. I’m sorry. It’s hard to be there for two at the same time. I also think we have very high expectations for ourselves in terms of the quality of parenting we deliver to our children. Can we have it “all”–who even knows what that means? The important thing, I guess, is to figure out which things matter most to us and to try and put our energy toward those things, with a willingness to reconsider the form they take from time to time.
Hugs to you, and the little ones.
I’m finding changes in my life situation to be creating uncertainities of just what to do each day — no pattern. Leaving a comfortable, loving environment for what has potential for unimagined joys and activities is still disquieting. It IS grey today. Tomorrow should bring sun and maybe some clarity.
I know that the grass is always greener. Stay at home moms face many other issues that you don’t face. Another new mom in our family could not wait to become a stay at home mom. I already see that desire she cherished and waited for a long time is beginning to erode after 4 months and she will never have another child. Just like labor pains, these blips and “grey days” do normally fade as time passes and children grow and become independent. Life is a wonderful quilt but sometimes it smothers, sometimes it comforts, sometimes it is just not right. You have so many gifts that all recognize! What a wonderful think that is to have as a mother and it is something that makes you such a great mom. So many of us never knew who we were or what we had to contribute beyond the child and home when we were at home with the tiny ones. The sun is really wonderful and warm that is coming your way.
(((rm)))
Thinking of you during your blahs and praying that tomorrow is better, brighter, and clearer for you.
(o)
Blessings on you in this struggle, whether it is a one-nighter or a longer season. Perhaps the struggle will help you see something you can let go of and find a deeper place of rest.
Caring for a toddler and a newborn is physically exhausting. That alone can cause feelings of depression and “bleah”ness. Don’t underestimate the value of a restorative nap or unbroken sleep if there is any way you can get that. I remember those days when I was home with Portia and Babs, who were only 16 months apart. It’s a very difficult time, no matter how much you love those precious babies. It will get better!
the sun is back today in my neck of the woods. hope it’s shining in yours too and that you’re able to soak in it a bit.
blessings for you and yours.
have some more hot chocolate
be blessed. You are already such a blessing.