- Senate of Southern Commonwealth
The Office of Senator Earnest P. Pontificator Reverend Senior Pastor
Suburban Presbyterian Church
Suburb, Commonwealth
Dear Reverend Senior Pastor,
I am writing to ask your help with one of the most important moral and legislative issues of our time.
Oh, my gracious!
You must be referring to the two million children in our state who lack health insurance!
Or the fact that we have not raised the minimum wage in nine years!
…No?
OK, well, is it the war?
The death penalty?
Global warming?
No? Well, am I getting warmer? (Bad global warming joke)
Then what, pray tell, is this pressing moral issue? Could it be, perhaps, your gripping need to energize the conservative evangelical base?
- Traditional marriage is under attack in our country.
Bingo.
- As a reverend, you know how important strong marriages are to the future of our children and our society. The current attack on marriage puts the next generation at great risk and dishonors the God who established marriage for our first parents.
Uh, first parents? Are you referring to Adam and Eve?
If so, I must reluctantly commend you for not parroting that tripe about “Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve.” Beyond that, however, I must ask where in Genesis 1-3 it refers to Adam and Eve as a married couple. I’m not saying they weren’t, I’m just suggesting you’re making a cultural assumption that just is not supported in the text.
And who officiated at that wedding anyway? God?
“By the authority vested in me by… Me, I declare that you are husband and wife.
Those whom I have joined together, let no one put asunder. That shouldn’t be tough because there’s no one else here.”
- Nearly two years ago, the United States Supreme Court ruled that states cannot criminalize consensual sexual acts between members of the same sex.
You say that like it’s a bad thing…
Oh that’s right, you’re for limited government that’s just small enough to fit in our bedrooms.
- [Lots and lots of verbiage, none of which explains why a stable, loving home with two parents of the same gender “puts the next generation at great risk.” It does, however, explain that the Marriage Amendment will give every Commonwealth voter an opportunity to “stand up for marriage the way God intended it: between one man and one woman.”]
Which would be news to Jacob, and his wife Rachel, and his wife Leah, and his wife Zilpah, and his wife Bilhah…
- Reverend Senior Pastor, I cannot rest until I have done everything I can to pass the Marriage Amendment and so protect another generation of our children.
I can’t help but notice that you still haven’t explained how this will protect our children.
And it seems that you aren’t going to, because it’s time for our closing hymn—please stand and turn in your hymnbooks to #457,
“It’s Me, It’s Me, It’s Me O Lord,
Pandering in the Need of Votes.”
- I am asking for your help now. Would you allow me to visit your Sunday service in the next few weeks and talk with your parishioners about the marriage amendment and its importance? If you would allow me five or ten minutes of your service time, I would appreciate the opportunity to address the importance of the marriage amendment for us in the Commonwealth.
To respond appropriately, I must seek assistance from teh internets. Click here, Senator, and you will receive your answer.
In case that isn’t clear enough:
Thus spake reverendmother:
Verily I say unto you, thou shalt not peddle that shit in our sanctuary.
17 Responses to “forgive me O God, for I have ranted”
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Asides
» I have been remiss in posting SBJ’s latest stats: 23 pounds and 27 inches at six months. Yes, I’ve got the big mama biceps.
» Aaaaaand little she-who-is lost another tooth this week!
» SBJ is four months old, 19 pounds 5 ounces, and 26 inches tall. GIGANTOR!
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Give each side 10 minutes or 5 or whatever…the OTHER side comes off bigoted and stupid and downright so, I don’t even know what century, which should tell us all something…for reference see this.
This morning I got an e-mail at church from a conservative Christian group in my state, acknowledging that a recent hate crime against a mosque in one of our smaller cities was bad, but going on and on about “the fact” that this crime got lots of press while vandalism against churches does not. This is, of course, complete crap. And one of my favorite moments for the “delete” key.
UGH! Damn fearmonger. That’s the worst part really…not so much, even, that he wants to pass the marriage amendment, although that of course makes no sense to me. Make your point, fine, Senator P., but lose the language of fear. If you have to scare people, you probably don’t have much of a point.
RM, you, however, gave me the best laugh of the day.
I wish he’d write to me.
What Keith said….
I’d REALLY like the chance to respond to such a request….but I think I’d rather do it in person.
I’ve said it before and I’ll keep saying it….I have never, not once, heard someone explain to me how my hypothetical marriage to another man in ANY WAY injures the marriages of any straight couple, or in any way discourages some future straight couple from marrying.
And if traditional marriage is what we are supposed to be supporting, why not pass a constitutional amendment establishing compulsary checmically induced abortion when a husband fears his wife has been unfaithful but has no proof (Numbers 5)…or hmmmm….perhaps we need to reinstitute the right of a husband to have his wife stoned to death if there is no physical proof of her virginity after the wedding night (Deut. 22).
Love it. I got an American flag from some right-wing group trying to flagellate a dead horse about keeping “under God” in the pledge. I guess they haven’t read my post where I said kids shouldn’t have to say the pledge at all.
XT
…perhaps Senator P would like the way they do things in Iraqi courts these days (as I read in this morning’s Post): if you are a Shiite woman and come to testify in court, the judge asks you if you are pure (read: not menstruating) before allowing you to speak. This is the democracy that our president is touting. Remakrable, eh?
He’d save on ink and postage if he just wrote “God hates fags” instead.
journalscape was down–this is a test
What Linda and NotShy said! I know I’m scary. Oooooh, look at me. Scaaary. Kinda like Sully in Monsters, Inc.
GREAT post!!!
O, and am I the only one who got an invitation to the New Wineskins event? It would almost be worth going.
Our session much to my disappointment agreed to let this Senator come to speak at our church in an educational setting! Tragic really. While I would agree that marriage should be between one man and one woman, I don’t think this legislation helps anyone. I look forward to his visit, perhaps I’ll ask about health care, the death penalty and global warming!
This is a brilliant rant rm!!
loved the end.
Brilliant!
Verily I say unto you, thou shalt not peddle…
It’s my new favorite line.
I recently preached on Abraham’s dysfunctional family (Abraham - Joseph) and included “The next time you hear someone talk about the importance of Biblical Family Values, you might want to ask if they’ve read their Bibles lately.”