My last post sparked some interesting comments (see previous post and comments) about entertaining… got me thinking about the differences between entertaining and hospitality.
Songbird’s stay-at-home theory (that rates of entertaining have gone down as two-career homes have become more prevalent) is interesting, and there’s probably something to it. It’s an irony though, in that I think the more you do it, the less effort it is, and the less of a production it is. It just becomes a part of family life. I think about Quotidian Grace’s story about her father from the Advent book–he welcomed into their home a woman who was down on her luck, on Christmas Day. Wow, that’s radical hospitality. We all know people who just collect folks along the way. I’m not feeling nudged in quite that way, but I do think it’s biblical.
Incidentally, I got this captivating idea that every month we’d invite 8 different people from the church to our house to share a meal together. Give some intentional thought to people and groups who might be comfortable with one another, but otherwise, go down the directory from A to Z. Not surprisingly, my introverted husband balked at that 
I have noticed myself becoming less hard-nosed about certain work/home boundaries. Whereas before I would meticulously screen my calls and not answer church calls if it was not “time” to do so, I find myself becoming more available–answering the phone, even if it’s my day off, especially if I know it’s something that can be dispensed within a few moments. Obviously if I/we are engaged in something specific, I don’t interrupt that, but otherwise… eh. I was expending more energy maintaining the boundaries than it would have taken just to deal with the five-minute e-mail or phone call. It was stressing me out, all this fretting about the slippery slope: If I venture down this path, what’s next? Never taking my vacation?!? Workaholism?!? Ulcers?!?
I sorta feel like hospitality is similar. I became a mother and a minister the same year. It was so important to me to establish good baseline habits, and yes, to protect family time!!!! that I think I cut myself off from opportunities to let others in to the family time. We had such a delightful time with Mamala living with us, and that really helped me see that the nuclear family can be seen as the end-all be-all, us against the world, when in fact, hospitality is more inclusive than that.
And I am assuming, perhaps erroneously, that everyone understands I’m talking about hospitality as a Christian discipline, which is simultaneously about:
-simplicity: come as you are, you are welcome here
AND
-abundance: there is enough at our table, and you, our guest, are worth our good effort.
In other words, Christian hospitality is not an ostentatious Martha Stewart consume-a-thon. And in that sense, it should not depend on having someone at home slaving away for hours and hours. Although I do acknowledge that Songbird is right–it does take time.
As with most things I post, these are thoughts in progress.
17 Responses to “more on hospitality”
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I may be influenced now by the biases of a Southerner who moved to New England in early adulthood, but another thing I see as different is the “dropping in” sort of informal hospitality that prevailed in my growing up years and that had clearly been a part of that society for-nearly-ever. And I find I’m going back again to the idea that our culture has shifted, not just due to the two-career aspect, but also in that we live in more crowded conditions, spend (most of us) more time commuting and working, too, and it’s not as likely that people are home for you to drop in and see them. You probably know how hard it can be to schedule a visit with a young-ish couple joining the church or wanting baptism for a child or even trying to plan a wedding. Stores are always open. There is no time that people are, in a broad way, at home. We are living in a cultural shift.
‘Course once we run out of gasoline, this will all change. Maybe then we’ll have time for our neighbors!
So, so true. And truth be told, I’m quite uncomfortable with the thought of dropping in, even if I know they’re home–and even less comfortable with being dropped in on! Not because I’m worried about the state of my house, but there is a mental preparedness thing. Perhaps that’s the whole point–we’re just way more compartmentalized in our thinking than we used to be.
I highly encourage people who are interested in these issues to check out two books with rather similar titles
1. The Suburban Christian: Finding Spiritual Vitality in the Land of Plenty
2. Death by Suburb: How to Live in the Suburbs without Killing Your Soul or something like that.
The former is more sociological and stronger overall; the latter is rather uneven and too glib and chatty at times, but it includes a more explicit discussion of spiritual disciplines and when it’s on, it’s brilliant. I haven’t decided which one to study at our church.
And of course the issues presented there are not unique to suburbs.
When we first came to this church we hosted dinners and lunches for 6 to 12 church members at a time. We coordinated our calendars and set dates ahead of time and then folks signed up. We encouraged folks to mix it up and not necessarily take all of the slots with their three generation family, but instead sign up to be with others. That didn’t always happen.
My husband would call the families who were coming and arrange what they would bring. We would usually provide the entree. It was a good way to get to know folks and for them to get to know us ‘as is’.
For our first round of these we had no dining room table and had to use tables and chairs from the church. We even still had boxes in the living room.
I am taking way too much time with this, but I will tell you two more things:
1) We have talked about doing this again, but with even 1 child the scheduling logistics have proved daunting.
2) No one returned the invitation. Not. one. person. Now that is not why we did it, but whenever the personnel committee gets on me for not doing more well visits my mind drifts back to this fact.
It’s always surprising to me when something I believe is called Christian.
I was a non-dropper-in until I played in an African band and discovered that barging in on your friends and raiding their refrigerators without an invitation just shows what good friends you are.
I suppose I’m still a non-dropper-in, since I no longer hang out with anybody who’d understand it that way. But I like it.
will smama, my kids are older, but I can’t imagine pulling off that kind of effort without a spouse who had the time and inclination to help me make it happen. When the day comes that I leave Small Church, I would recommend that when they welcome their next settled pastor they organize gatherings in people’s homes. Because it was daunting to think of going to see everyone, when I had no guide to who most of them were.
sometimes i “drop by” not “in” to “drop off” things like invitations to our 4th of july porch party or book club luncheon. many folks invite me “in” when i do this kind of thing and usually i just chat on their porch for a few and then move on, but it makes me feel more connected than just dropping the invites in the mail (or even worse the e-mail) box.
i’ve also learned that when i tried to invite folks in for “perfect” meals, etc, then they felt intimidated about inviting us back because then their meal had to be perfect.
finally, we come up w/ the “menu of the season” and repeat it w/ different friends several times over the course of the season. then we come up w/ a different menu the next season. that makes it easy to shop/prepare for guests.
and another finally—we’ve found that folks love to sit on our porch for endless hours when the weather is fit so we invite folks over much more in the late spring-early fall than in the late fall-early spring. and one of the best ways to have folks relax for great conversation is to sit in the dark on the porch (with bug repellent candles, etc). darkness makes the lapses in conversation more comfortable somehow.
and another finally, i’ll bet your r loves deep conversation w/ folks who are important to him but not endless chitchat conversation. is that introversion or is that just a different version?
and now for the final finally—as your kids get a bit older, opening your home to their friends will be an important form of hospitality.
Songbird, you said it. There is absolutely, positively, NO WAY I could have done those without a spouse totally on board who actually likes to organize that kind of thing. No. Way.
Friend hospitality is different than church member hospitality - to me anyway. But maybe that is a discussion for a different comment thread.
I agree that friend hospitality is different from church member hospitality.
Having said that my favorite quote about hospitality (that I don’t remember who said), “Hospitality is not so much about making room at your table as it is making room in your heart.”
I’ll weigh in on this topic, since my husband and I were discussing it just yesterday. I would like to be more hospitable than I am. I grew up in a very hospitable home — my mom always made a big Sunday dinner and invited “someone” at church over (on the fly at church) and the table was always full. (PS I can’t say I enjoyed this practice as a child, it took a long time.)
Two comments: I invite over the families of my daughters’ friends. It is always a fun evening and I get a nice thank-you, but this has resulted in a return invitation: never. What’s going on here? Second comment: Isn’t a minister coming into a church supposed to receive hospitality, rather than provide it?
Enjoyed this post and all the comments. This is something that has been on my mind a lot lately.
My husband and I are both introverts, and jealously guard our at-home time. That said, we also enjoy having a couple or a few people over several times a year; on Sunday we barbecued and made ice cream with a younger couple we enjoy (work colleagues, not church friends, which gives folks not involved with a church a chance to see that Christians do normal things like barbecue and make ice cream and laugh–but I digress). I don’t have a problem with that, or with an occasional small party. Where hospitality is difficult for us, is feeling the obligation to entertain the friend who, for various reasons, leaves us emotionally, mentally, and physically exhausted when she finally leaves: hospitality as a grit-your-teeth form of ministry instead of a ministry that brings us pleasure too. Is there any way to enjoy this situation, or is it just “pray a lot and just do it because it’s the right thing to do”?
I’ve already admitted that I don’t entertain. It’s just too damn intimidating. But I love reading about Scrivener’s drop in dinners that he holds at his house once a month. I think that’s really cool.
Since I live on a college campus directly across the street from one of the residence halls, hospitality has taken on a whole different meaning. Last night, for instance, we had too much meat to eat ourselves, but we had thawed it and had to make it. I began calling and ended up with a hodge-podge of two students at dinner.
Our opening our home was a very, very conscious effort for us since the former Campus Minister never allowed students in the home. Last year, after chapel we had “family dinners” that evolved into students helping with the meal. Occassionally, when W. was out of town and couldn’t cook, the babysitter who stayed with A. would stick the lasagna in.
When students barge in the house without letting us come to the door, I do admit I cringe and make nasty comments about “what if we were in the shower?” That said, we’ve had many a marvelous night with random folks enjoying each other. And with a generation that has NO IDEA what community is supposed to be, I hope we are modeling something for them. Chapel is too late and too large to have the weekly Sunday Supper, but we are hosting a once a month thing with the 15 we took to TAize.
That said, it makes my husband CRAZY not to have the house clean.
PS - We are also consciously making an effort to have more “adults” over, which is where we realized we were lacking. We were also part of a “dinner for 8″ group at church, but that never worked for our schedule with a little one.
We don’t often have people over because I am too much of a perfectionist and have a hard time not buying into the Martha Stewart thing.
But when I have gotten past that and just opened the doors, it has always been fun. I have learned to ask someone to bring sodas, remind people that I don’t allow alcohol if the pool is going to be used and to remember to order a bunch of pizzas if the food is running short.
Even though I would rather spend time alone than GO to a party, I like to have lots! of folks over if the event is at my house. It just feels like the same amount of effort to get ready and I like having different groups of people to converse with or hide out with if someone I don’t particularly like is in the crowd.
I always let my kids invite two or three of their friends and invite the parents also. That way the kids are also learning to be hospitable, they have someone to hang with and I get to know the parents of their friends. (sometimes this is quite enlightening)
I was tickled to see your reference to my father in this post. Thanks.
My parents were polar opposites in the hospitality department. As you pointed out, Dad was full of “radical hospitality”. Mother, on the other hand, was intensely introverted, withdrawn and suffered from depression. Dad was sensitive to this and so his natural inclination in this area was stifled on most occasions.
I’m fortunate to have my father’s temperment, but since I didn’t have much modeling of hospitality on a consistent basis, I’ve had to work at it. My husband is less extroverted than I am, but enjoys having people over. I’ve learned a lot from his sister, who is a model of Christian hospitality.
Hospitality is a gift of the spirit. Not everyone has this gift and that’s ok. If entertaining in your home stresses you out, then concentrate on using the gift you have.
I’m enjoying this discusssion! I’ve described our lives and ministry as “hospitality” many times. Mr. C and I both like to entertain. The hurricane hampered the way we “used” to entertain and introduced us to the new idea of allowing our home to be used by others whose homes are damaged or gone. They miss having dinner parties so we loaned our kitchen and home to them to entertain. And, we housed many after the storm.
It’s been several months since any of the above has happened and I think I’m ready to begin again.
If I worry about every detail along with making sure my antique damask napkins are ironed perfectly, I don’t have anyone over. If I get a load of shrimp, throw away the newspapers and clean off the dining room table, I’ll have people over. Martha Stewart has been great from some, too daunting for others.
About entertaining church people in my home. We don’t do it. I do not entertain business clients of my husbands at home except under extreme circumstances. And, we don’t do church parties here. This is our home, not an office or whatever. Home.
RM, I think your new ease about boundaries may be a sign of your increasing competency at mothering/pastoring.
Thanks for a place to write these thoughts.