This started as a comment to the comments on the previous post but it just got too long. Proving that if blogging is good for anything, it’s good for driving a discussion firmly into the ground.
Point the First
Apropos of Songbird’s and Keith’s comments, it seems that real life lies on that great continuum between “perfect” and perfunctory. The dear and wonderful 17-year-old in our life will be receiving a gift card for her birthday this weekend because we love her and we wish to commemorate her birthday in some way, and because we have decided not to sacrifice the good (giving her a gift) for the perfect (getting her Just the Right Thing).
Point the Second
Mothers of twins in the NICU are free to give in whatever way they desire–or not give actual gifts at all (gasp!)–and syndicated columnists who disapprove can choke on a candy cane.
Point the Third
Regarding remembering what the season is about, I can’t imagine asking specifically for a gift card, to be honest, any more than I would say, “Just send me some cash.” If someone asked what I was longing for and I really, truly, couldn’t come up with some general categories of stuff, I would say, “Well, your love and friendship are treasured gifts and always a joy to receive.” Which sounds sanctimonious as all get-out but it’s the God’s honest truth. (Can you tell that “gifts” is not exactly first on my list of love languages?)
Point the Fourth
Again I question the one-size-fits-all approach. For someone who loves to receive words of affirmation, wouldn’t a short note of appreciation mean more, and take less time, than driving to the mall, circling for a parking space, finding the item, standing in line, driving home, etc.? For someone who values quality time, wouldn’t lunch and coffee be a nice gesture? And so on.
We all know those people who are hard to buy for, either because “she’s the woman who has everything,” or we don’t know which DVDs he already has, or we don’t know her size. We could respond by giving that person a gift card, or we could respond with some other, simple, non-gift gesture which conveys care and love–but to do the latter, when the former is so ubiquitous now, would be seen as somehow less than. And I’m still curious to discern a reason that doesn’t boil down to “money means you care.”
Point the Fifth
This is something I’m personally dealing with, because back when we *did* have more time, R and I participated in the Hundred-Dollar Holiday for several years in a row. (Read about it here in an article and here in a chat transcript by Bill McKibben, a man whom I’ve never met but who is near and dear to my heart for a variety of reasons that may be evident to some of you.) It was a simplicity thing. We did a lot of homemade gifts, gifts of service and so on.
We’re not particularly crafty people. At. All. So the process was always a challenge, but a really fun and gratifying one. One year we put together a cookbook. Another year we made candles. Another year we baked a bunch of stuff. We had fun, recipients seemed to appreciate our gifts as much as any other, and we didn’t rack up hundreds of dollars of debt celebrating the birth of the Prince of Peace.
The simplicity and modesty (and what a stodgy virtue *that* is!) of that tradition still stays with me. But now, *time* is the scarce commodity. And those projects took a lot more time than a marathon night of online shopping would. And we have kids now, so I’m seeking to find a balance between that earlier practice, in which we basically lived “off the grid,” with the desire for our kids not to feel completely left out of the cultural Christmas experience. Let’s face it, the year I walked downstairs on Christmas morning to find a pink bike with strawberries on the seat and streamers on the handlebars is still a pretty awesome memory.
And tonight, after dropping off the last bit of family at the Metro, I asked little she-who-is if she knew why we celebrated Christmas. I told her the Christmas story and when I was done she said sleepily, “Tonight I’m going to go to sleep and dream that Santa comes and brings me lots and lots of presents.” And I think for kids that young, the magic of gift receiving (and giving) is the blunt instrument through which they start to understand the gift of Christ to the world–the story behind Christmas. I get that. But I also know that I went *way* overboard with the gifts for her last year, and it wasn’t a good feeling.
Point the Sixth
There is no point the fifth.
11 Responses to “and still more on gift giving”
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Gift cards were the topic of discussion at our dinner today because of the discussions we have been having over this. If anything, Friday Five brought healthy discussion amongst the adults this evening. The opinion of them was mixed and we see all sides. We will be downplaying the cultural Christmas, even though we do participate in it. Right now I look at the STUFF we have in our storage room we rent, the stuff we have in our garage, and it is beginning to make me feel sick of the excess. I go into the stores and I see excess.
Anyway, I probably need to go post more of this on my blog since this is getting so lengthy.
Cathy, I read somewhere that storage rental is at an all-time high–6 square feet for every person in the United States.
Good comment!
At some point I’m going to do my own take on this…but I’ll say this.
My nephew will be going to Disneyworld in January. For the first time, he (at 6) will be old enough to see something that he wants, understand that it costs X amount of money and, thanks to his parents, be limited to the DisneyBucks he will have accumulated by that time–by doing chores, getting stars on his conduct chart, and from Christmas presents….He will learn about budgetting, buyer’s remorse, and a lot of other things that he wouldn’t learn if I gave him an item I THINK he wants. I can’t think of a better justification for giving a gift card/gift certificate.
loved the picture of the pink bicycle with STRAWBERRIES on the seat and streamers … wow …
I’ve been mulling over what’s being said here - and thinking - if somone phones and says - “hey would you like to come for a walk with me?” that would come high up on my list of desired gifts. Quality time together.
That comes very high on my wants and needs and loves
but that’s why Christmas is potentially fraught with dangers (like Thanksgiving in the US) because when family does get together it ISN*T plain sailing and sometimes there are huge disappointments.
My daughter likes giving … and receiving. But I can’t work out my son’s love language. or hubby’s really. It’s not giving or receiving, and it’s not necessarily time together. Or acts of service. Mmmm …
This year we’re much more limited in funds, so the gift-buying is also going to be extremely limited. With the extended family, for adults we draw names and gifts are limited to about $30. I asked for a gift card to Cokesbury, and will be very grateful to receive it, if that’s what my secret Santa sends me. Kids’ gifts are limited to the same amount, but aunts and uncles can join forces if the child wants something bigger than $20-30. The teens seem to prefer the gift cards, and enjoy getting the post-Christmas sales advantage. For example, StrongOpinions asked for a gift card to an organic market in her area, and StoneMason asked for a gift card to LL Bean for outdoor clothes (no surprise there), and Litigator asked for a general gift card, also for clothes. PH and I give each other one or two gifts only, and given our desire to not have more stuff in our tiny little townhouse, the things we’ve asked for are replacements for other things that have worn out or consumables. Given some gifts in the past that were less than successful (my dear husband cannot pick out perfume for me, and I wouldn’t guess what kind of cycling pants he would like), I’m happy to be told what the preference would be, or that a gift card would be fine.
For other folks, I bake. It takes time and resources that are short, so I think it’s a real gift of love.
[edited to make sense on its own–it was in response to something that has been deleted]
In terms of quantity of gifts received, among the grandparents we’ve talked to about this, we’ve encouraged (urged? suggested? cajoled? hopefully not ordered) them to consider one gift, or maybe two tops for each of the girls.
Our kids have four sets of grandparents. If each of them gives each girl, say, three gifts–and that’s realistic–that’s 12 gifts for each girl. Add in aunts and uncles, a friend or two, a couple random parishioners who like to give gifts, and of course, their parents, and you are talking 50 Christmas gifts sitting under our tree without breaking a sweat. For two girls.
I love and adore the sentiment expressed by that embarrassment of riches, but that is Simply. Too. Much. Stuff.
I really believe that gifts are freely given, that rules for giving just take the joy out of the whole thing.
At the same time, just as parents are called to help guide what kinds of experiences and possessions their kids encounter, can there also be a place for parents to express a preference in terms of *quantity* of experiences/possessions? Just as I said no to the recent birthday party that C was invited to because it was one too many activities on a busy weekend, I hope I’m not out of line for encouraging a more modest sort of gift giving.
Argh! So what is the answer?
Ok, this is how we have dealt with some of these issues in the past several years.
When son was 5 and Miss Teen was 9, we instituted a 3 gifts only policy for our family Christmas. I remember telling the kids that if it was good enough for Jesus, it was good enough for them. My son plaintively responded, “but I’m not Jesus”.
My kids only have 1.5 sets of grandparents, 2 aunt/uncle sets and my mother gives almost nothing so we haven’t got the dilemma of too. much. stuff. from relatives. Husband’s parents were broken of that habit when I sent more than half of the stuff they gave to their house for the kids to use when they “visit”. This was after we had requested that they scale things down for two or three years in a row. (I also sent any and all loud toys to live at their house).
At our kids’ school it is the custom of most parents to give a “small” gift to each and every teacher that the child has. Small is a relative term at this typically Anglican school, and the kids each had 6 teachers. Add in friends of ours, grandparents with no more storage room, secret Santas, etc etc and the rest of Christmas was getting way out of hand. So we now give a very generous donation to Heiffer Project International. My kids pick out which “animals” to buy and we give cards to everyone telling them that in honor of them, their meaning in our lives, and our love for them they are now part of a “cow”. With very few exceptions this is very appreciated. And as a plus, at our boxing day open house there is always a lively discussion about who is which part of the cow.
This system works for us as a compromise between cultural vs religious and giving vs giving.
Sorry for the long comment.
I am giving Heifer gifts this year–I think I’m going to donate a water buffalo (my fave animal from Egypt, and also my fave Veggie Tales song…) and send cards to each person in a way similar to what shery is talking about. Other than that, I will be buying only gifts that REALLY jump out at me, as in “O.M.G. that is SO J!” or whatever. And I will send them when I see them, not just at the holiday. So the holiday will be all Heifer and anything else will just be what my friend Noell calls a “sussie”–a present just because.
I am so sad to hear about the storage space thing–that’s just gross. And for the equal presents thing: my bro and I always got an equal number of presents, or an equal value, roughly. Which was good for us. We didn’t necessarily get a ton of stuff (we grew up poor), but my parents/grandparents wrapped each part of a gift individually, so it might take us three or four packages to work out what the whole gift was. That was always fun because it led to speculation.
RM, you are right about all of this.
I have no idea what you do with so many generous grandparents. One thing I did, when the children were small and overwhelmed easily, was to let them open the gifts then when we got home, put most of the gifts away. They didn’t notice. In the dreary days of Jan-Feb, I pulled out a “new” toy when needed. And, I believe in re-cycling stuff through Goodwill.
Happy Delurking! I am in the process of being integrated into an extended family of very generous people who, I’m told, are itching to shower me with gifts this Christmas. I am not used to this…I mean, I love finding presents for the Angel Kids on the community tree, and sometimes go a little overboard in providing for them, but my own family gift exchanges have always been rather modest. So I’m not quite sure how to respond to my new semi-in-laws/outlaws. I’ve also been told that they appreciate baked goods, so I might focus my own gifting on that. Thoughtful posts on this topic…points to ponder.
I used to let my three open the out-of-town gifts as they arrived. That way they stopped to think about who had sent the gift rather than having it all splooge together unmanageably on Christmas morning. Now that we are down to one grandparent and they are old enough that the out-of-town cousins are sending gift cards, we have outgrown that technique. But I thought it worked beautifully for a long time.