Some of you may have read or are familiar with the Five Love Languages books. In essence, each person has particular ways they prefer to give love and receive love: gifts, acts of service, physical touch, quality time, and words of affirmation. These fall on some sort of continuum for each person. The trick is to discern a loved one’s language and respond accordingly. You can shower a person with words of affirmation and love, but if they prefer acts of service, it’s not going to mean much.
So, OK. But when it comes to Christmas and birthdays, it seems that regardless of one’s predominant “love language,” the default response is to purchase (or perhaps make) a gift. And I’m wondering why it needs to be that way, and whether gift cards feed into that one size fits all approach.
Miss Manners has discussed this issue with considerable sass in the past. I couldn’t find any of her columns on this, but I did find this article which is excerpted below.
- A gift, ideally, says, “I thought about you. I considered your likes and dislikes, your needs and wants, your dreams and desires, and found you this token of my esteem that I hope will delight you.”A gift card says, “There! Checked you off my list.”
It’s not just me that says so. Judith Martin, the doyenne of etiquette known to millions as Miss Manners, dismisses gift certificates — and, by extension, gift cards — as “a pathetic compromise convenient to people who do not trust their judgment about selecting the right present for those whose tastes they ought to know.”
I waffle between adoring and abhoring Miss Manners, and despite the fact that I have given gift cards, and received them gratefully, and will probably do so in the future, I feel the truth in her statement!
- Many young people are so enamored with gift cards, with being “empowered to make their own choices,” as one retailer laughably put it, that they don’t even realize what they’re missing. Older people might, but hey, they’re busy, cards are convenient, so what’s the harm?The harm is that the art of gift-giving is quickly devolving into an entirely commercial exchange. How much longer until we simply start thrusting wads of dollar bills at each other?
The time factor is an interesting one. I can see gift cards being a fun gift for children and others who are short on money but longer on time. But for people for whom the opposite is true–who are short on time but have the financial resources to buy things they need or desire–or for people who don’t like shopping–how is a gift card a particularly nice gift?
Unless it is a gift card for a restaurant/spa/movie/service, perhaps.
- Sure, the old way included plenty of opportunities for misfires — for the tie shaped like a fish, the sweater that’s six sizes too big, the dolls from the aunt who could never figure out that her teen-age niece no longer played with Barbies. But those experiences taught us the fine art of tact and diplomacy, of expressing gratitude to people who tried to make us happy, however bizarre the actual result.It also drove home the point, as few things do nowadays, that special occasions are about people — not about getting more stuff or increasing our net worth.
I’m not sure I agree with this. I think fish ties and ill-fitting sweaters can also be given out of desperation, ignorance of the person’s desires, guilt, the need to make sure person X and person Y get an “equal” amount of stuff, etc.
- If you find yourself purchasing gift cards, maybe the solution is to buy less and think more. Do these folks really need to be on your gift list, or would you all be better off getting together for coffee or drinks and skipping the exchange? If you really need and want to purchase a gift, maybe you can start brainstorming ideas year-round, rather than panicking at the last minute and settling for a piece of plastic.
There’s also the economic impact of gift cards–basically giving companies an “advance” until the gift card is spent, not to mention gift cards that expire or get lost.
Again, I’ve given and received gift cards, and will do so again, I’m sure. To a great extent, it *is* the thought that counts. Good gift giving is hard, as it should be to some extent, because gifts have the potential to communicate that we truly see another person–what brings her joy, his personality, needs and desires–and what could be a greater, well, gift to someone?
Thoughts?
11 Responses to “more on gift cards”
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I don’t know the books of which you speak, but I do know that my husband speaks a very different language than I when it comes to expressing and receiving love. We’ve struggled over the gift-giving. I’ve tried to explain that I don’t care what I get as long as it reflects some thought on his part. He doesn’t care about getting gifts, so he doesn’t grasp what I mean, although when he is “inspired” he gives gifts so unusual and stunning that there may not be a good one for another two years! Now that we’ve been at it for almost six years, I understand him better, at least.
I think if somebody does something nice for me, I’m happy.
However, it took a long time to get to this point. I come from a much-thought-and-must-be-perfect gift family. Nice when it happens, but a luxury. The Starbucks gift card is most welcome.
This year I am short on time, having given birth to twin preemies that are still in the NICU. I have told all those that will be receivng gifts from me that this year it is gift cards to the local resturants or in the case of the teens, the local movies, or for the ‘tweens the fast food place of their parents choice. I need to make it simple this year, and Miss Manners, while I like on somethings, I think, is just not up to date with the rest of the world. I thought about what I can do and what the family might need, but to be honest, everyone is in a really good place, thank god, and they don’t need anything, therefore, a meal out at the resturant of their choice, can be appreciated as a night out. Miss Manners be darned on this one, IMHO.
I, too, used to think of gift cards as the *easy way out” for those not very creative or thoughtful but who just wanted to check others off their list plus I really didn’t enjoy going out and getting my own gift. I felt the same way about money as a gift. My perspective has changed somewhat over the years as family members and others have so often requested gift cards. We now have 8 children/stepchildren who each have spouses (16 with spouses/significant others), 8 grandchildren, numerous business colleagues, organizational board member friends, neighbors, siblings, Sunday School classes, etc. The sheer number has grown overwhelming. I try to be creative by just making cookies, or cooking something I know they love, hand-painting Christmas ornaments or the like and to scale down and back on the list when it feels right. I esp. like to think thoughtfully for those without much that we adopt during the season. But many friends/family now live far away leaving me without the opportunity to overhear casual desirous comments of things seen in shopping windows, on TV commercials, in casual conversations or any hint at all. Adult children and grandchildren have requested gift cards on numerous occasions and I admit it’s not my favorite gift to give. Perhaps it’s my own *stuff*…I like to unwrap a present and be surprised. But then of course there are the times one is truly (ahem) surprised! I used to ask and remind again for people to do an amazon.com list until I gave up. And then there’s the whole issue for those who are living in limited quarters or in the midst of downsizing. And then there’s the cost of mailing these days! Challenges abound. Now, I’m more like Keith. I welcome gift cards and enjoy carrying them around almost to surprise myself when out and about..esp. if they are to places I like, i.e. book stores, spas, restaurants, Home Depot, pretty much you name it. And if I ask and they say, “Just send a gift card - we love them!” then that’s likely what they will get. (I know the books; I actually teach a class on the 5 languages)
Last note: The thing I’ve never understood is the “evening up” of gifts. We have friends that will shop till they’re darn near crazy and exhausted trying to do this for kids or grandkids. A wise person once said to me that we would have no part of that kind of thinking and so I just won’t get into that. Seems to me lots of folks have forgotten what the season is really about.
Yeah … gift cards. Hmmm … I like to give them as part of a larger gift. For instance, a french press and a coffee shop gift card, or something like that. My ultimate gift card story is the year my m-i-l gave me one. My m-i-l keeps track of how much money she spends on each child, spouse and grandchild. She has a strict budget for each and she spends exactly the same amount of money on each person in each category. So one year I got several nice things (I don’t remember what) and a Barnes & Noble gift card for $5.34 … I’m NOT kidding. I was insulted for about 5 seconds and since then I’ve just laughed about it. I really just wanted to tell her to send the money to a charity or something. It just wasn’t worth it …
I do know those books. I think my husband’s love language is meals. I know it’s not listed as an official language, but as long as I have meals planned and I get them on the table he is the happiest guy alive. Service is much too broad a category, because he really doesn’t care about any other service … it’s just about food.
I think I am in the same boat as Karen. An extremely small number of the persons I get gifts for at Christmas, birthdays, and wedding anniversaries live close enough to me for hand delivery, watching them open the gift, receive a spoken thank you with a hug, and so forth. The items which make gift giving a lot of fun for the giver. A much larger group live a great distance away, and widely scattered from each other as well. Making the cost of getting the item to them a major part of the whole enterprise. And Mr Woodstock and I live on fixed incomes, for me the problem is watching shipping costs eat into what I can afford to get as a gift in the first place. Gift cards ease the issue for me, quite a bit. And I try to put some personalized effort into the gift. Almost any venture will provide a gift card. Which means that I can choose from the entire gamut - from Home Depot all the way to Victoria’s Secret, depending on the age, personality, and known interests of the recipient. It’s definitely not the cozy, family around the fireplace type of Christmas romanticized over and over again. It’s the way things fit for me.
I don’t like getting gift cards because I don’t like shopping. A better alternative for me is a ticket to a show, the spa or the cinema. My friend Reija unexpectedly gave us tickets for the whole family to go to see Narnia. It was the best present I received for both birthday and Christmas (they are close so often we combine them - hubbies too) …
she has a real gift of giving. I wish I did.
But I do love well wrapped gifts too. Also wrapping them.
This year we’ve promised DD a snowboard, shoes and yeah the clothes (from Grandparents) … all of which I’ll have to shop for. And the packing won’t be easy or fun either. TS … no idea
perhaps a promise of a scuba trip which is what he really wants. But we can’t book it yet 
If I get a gift card it gives me permission to get myself something that I otherwise might not get. So it’s all good.
I think there is a qualitative difference between buying gift cards for everyone as the easy way out (without good reason) and doing it in a thoughtful way. But perhaps that difference is not apparent to the recipient.
interesting discussion
I actually don’t like Christmas or birthdays when I am getting the gifts. Because, see, I might not react in the way that the person expects (happy enough, excited enough), no matter what the gift is. I have a long, long history of people pleasing, as you can tell!
I would much rather give gifts and I like to choose them. It is very very frustrating to me that my DH does not want ANYTHING, EVER. This is the first year that he has asked for something in particular for Christmas…after 10 years together. I am so thrilled!
I am interested in the Love Languages thing, must look into that more.
Sonja
We have the same m-i-l!!! LOL!! (not really)
Gift cards work if they are really something you know the person wants — i.e. a teen who wants to pick out their own Screaming Monkeys DVD.
Our “big” gift to other family members is to a “good cause”. One year we “bought” a heifer, and another year we “dug” a well. Mostly, I try to write and say on a card what I say all year - and nothing more than that. And God willing - what I say to them during the year is sweet, caring and loving… except when of course they are being.. well, you know.
d