Mamala and little she-who-is are stuck in the airport, where they have been waiting for six+ hours for their plane to arrive from Boston so they can take off for Florida. Poor little bean. They have at least two hours still to wait. If they end up canceling their flight after all this time I will never fly Jet Blue again.
Meanwhile, we went out for dinner tonight with the divine miss m and wow, one kid is so much easier. M seemed not too upset to be an only child for a while. I’m sure it will start to get old for her.
Nice day at the conference. I am glad to be staying at home—apparently there are rolling brownouts in the city and the center did not have a/c last night. Awful. It also seems to have affected people’s mood. It’s been a long and full week and people start to get a little testy after such intensity. Still, it’s been life-changing for many people, and nourishing for many if not most of the others. Lots of knitters—I have been inspired to get back to work on a sweater for C, which has been nothing but a vest for at least a year.
We had a really nice preaching group this afternoon. Lots of good constructive feedback and I am just about ready to go for Sunday.
There’s been a lot of mama mojo at this conference, for better and worse. The married-with-kids crowd is the largest demo, and that’s definitely Professor/Mentor’s experience, but even I, who obviously fall into that category, can feel the discomfort on others’ behalf. This is a HUGE issue in the church. Where is the sweet spot between speaking out of one’s own experience and being hospitable to people who don’t share that experience? Especially when those people are in the minority? I’ve read the statistic that 78% of clergywomen are mothers. So we are by far the majority. That doesn’t mean we get to dominate the agenda, but I can see how 78% of any group who are simply speaking from their experience could be accused of being inhospitable, justifiably or not.
That’s all for now. Tired.
11 Responses to “thursday stuff”
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Asides
» I have been remiss in posting SBJ’s latest stats: 23 pounds and 27 inches at six months. Yes, I’ve got the big mama biceps.
» Aaaaaand little she-who-is lost another tooth this week!
» SBJ is four months old, 19 pounds 5 ounces, and 26 inches tall. GIGANTOR!
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I hope Mamala and “little she who is” get to Florida soon. Enjoy the last of your conference.
As a non-momma… I think the balance has been fair, and the hospitality has been offered. But I suppose that is just one more experience to add to the mix…
It’s 12:44 and they are finally taking off! Poor things!
hmm, as a not-married-not-mamma (at least to kids of my own), I do feel that the family metaphor has been taken as far as it can go, and a little farther, for me. I am trying to recognize that the vast majority of people have that as their experience, but ultimately that makes me feel more marginalized. I’m not sure how to deal with that at the moment, beyond going out with single clergywomen (and a few married-but-not-moms) and drinking margaritas and joking about internet dating and having it all be fine.
I am so tired. It’s been a good week in lots of ways, including ways that I have been disappointed and had to examine my reasons for coming here. I’m glad you were here so we could at least say hello!
Tell R I want some mustard/gouda mashed potatoes, and I leave town on Sunday night.
see you in the morning…
Thank you for the thoughtful post. During seminary one of my friends preached a sermon for those women who could not have children, had decided not to have children, and/or were single. I appreciate just the naming of the situation to get people to start thinking.
Really? Actually marginalized?
I should probably look up that word before running at the mouth about it, but when has that stopped me before!
To me “marginalized” connotes a deliberate attempt on someone’s part to keep someone else in their place. Marginalization implies a marginalizer just as oppression implies an oppressor.
I have attended conferences here in which I have been one of only a few non-Episcopalians. Inevitably the conversation will shift to Anglican stuff I can’t relate to and could probably translate to Presby-speak in my head but I just get tired at a point. But I don’t feel marginalized, I feel different, even strange.
But your mileage may vary.
I hope I’m not just arguing semantics here. I have been on both sides of the aisle and it’s not pleasant to be in the unacknowledged minority. But I do think intention is important. People sometimes project motives on others, to the point of paranoia sometimes, and I don’t think that’s helpful. (Not that I think you were doing that, I’m just saying.)
Arrived safely at about 3 AM, and isn’t that the important thing? Did not pass go, did not collect 200 dollars, we went straight to bed after a brief intro to the
cousins’ new digs (I feel like we’re in a resort, their place is sooooo nice). S-W-I woke up around 9:30 so, although we have swimming on the agenda today, we also have naptime which will be enforced! She seems no worse for the wear…she’s a trooper and was EXCELLENT throughout the whole ordeal.
East coast air travel is just not fun when planes get backed up due to storms and such. Once on board, I actually felt sorry for the crew as they apologized over and over again for the delays and couldn’t have been nicer. They were thanking the passengers for treating them so courteously.
OK, now on to the fun with g-kids!
My experience at conferences is that a clique never thinks it’s a clique, and people who feel ostracized are almost always oversensitive to a sense of rejection by a clique that doesn’t think it exists.
Blame, if you want to think in those terms, is pretty equal.
The solution, I think, is for everyone to speak their experience and be hospitable. I realize that’s what you posed as the problem, but I think it’s the answer. They’re not mutually exclusive, and they’re not ends of a spectrum. One’s speech, the other’s behavior.
So: Parents should speak their experience, realize it refers largely to things non-parents don’t understand yet, not worry about how it’s taken, and be warm and hospitable.
And non-parents should speak their experience, realize it refers largely to things non-parents no longer find important, not worry about how it’s taken, and be open to warmth and hospitality.
My reference point for this is mystery conventions. Wannabe writers, or newly published writers, sometimes find mystery writer circles “cliquish.” The writers themselves just enjoy seeing people they’ve seen before, who can talk about the same things they’re interested in. They’re just friends, that’s all. From their perspective, that is; from the perspective of people who aren’t part of the circle, they’re a clique.
But you also hear wannabe and newbie writers talking later about how nice the published writers are, and how so-and-so went out of his/her way to introduce them to the other writers at the table in the hotel bar. For myself, Rich Barre was the one I’ll never forget; my first signing was a joint event with him, and he did go out of his way to welcome me into the fold. See? I still remember.
He also had concerns I didn’t have yet, and I’m sure I was in on some group conversations I just didn’t care about. But when the manner is hospitable, the words don’t sting.
FWIW.
$.02.
I may not have been clear in my original post, but I totally agree that they are not mutually exclusive. That’s what I meant by “where is the sweet spot.” Some people will think that any mention of the “dominant” experience without nodding the minority is inhospitable. I personally get tired of the “I know this isn’t others’ experience; I speak for myself” disclaimers; they get tedious, so I just try to hear them in my head.
On the other side you have people who say, “we’re the majority; deal with it.” Which isn’t right either. So I agree it has to be a both/and.
But I’m strangely glad to hear this isn’t just a church issue.
Yes, those kinds of disclaimers get very tedious–and I often find them disrespectful and anti-inclusive. Nodding to the minority underscores the split. (And my reference point for that isn’t mystery conventions. I’m likely to react with great irritation to any utterance of “And to our Jewish friends…”)
I think we already agree, but here’s some clarification anyway. I hear “sweet spot” as implying a point along a spectrum. I don’t think there is a spectrum here; it’s not speaking honestly at one end and being hospitable at the other. I think they’re two perfectly compatible aims, and you do it by trying to do each well. I don’t see where they conflict.
I agree that “We’re the majority, deal with it” is counterproductive. However, I’m me, deal with it–and let me buy you a drink.
As far as I can tell from reading churchy blogs, nothing is just a church issue. I have yet to encounter anything that isn’t the same issue some other group deals with.
Hmm…perhaps I was not careful enough with my words as I was writing in the hot-tired-phase. Ironic since I began my sermon yesterday talking about how important grammar rules are to me and how frustrating I find it when people are not precise with their language. It seems I was once again preaching to myself!
I don’t think that we single people have been intentionally marginalized–I think that single people being forgotten, overlooked, or even subconsciously pushed out is simply something that happens when the vast majority of people (especially people in leadership) are parents. I also think that since clergywomen, particularly young clergywomen, are already marginalized in the church in many ways, the phrase “makes me feel more marginalized” is more about my increased awareness of how unique people in my position are rather than about being marginalized in this space. I don’t want disclaimers, it would just be nice to have a different metaphor once in a while, you know?
We just have some different issues–not that either has issues that are more or less important or more or less advanced, just different. And we have many issues in common. But while I would like to be married one day I don’t want to have children. The assumption that all women either have or want to have children is false and, in my opinion, devalues the experience of non-mothers and of women who really feel called to motherhood.
I am rambling now and can sense that this is not as organized as I would like before putting it out there on teh internets, but I will simply stop and not edit and push submit and then go to a hotel, take a nap, have some fabulous food I can’t get in my own town, and do the DC thing for a couple of days.
RM, it was amazing and wonderful to see you (and all the other ycws and “hags”) and I hope you stay well. and I hope we can meet again one day when the mashed potatoes of different genres will come together in a happy dinner hour.