Please continue to vote on the spoonerism thread o’whimsy. I am pulling for fest breed, since I know nothing about shiites, nerdy or otherwise.
I had spiritual direction today, and here is why a good spiritual director is such a great thing:
One of the segments of the day-long pilgrimage on Iona took us from the top of a hill overlooking the north part of the island to the “hermit’s circle,” which is a circle of stones that is thought to be the remains of a small hut. It may have housed sheep rather than hermits, who knows? The sucker is old. While many of us had laughed and chatted our way through the day, we were invited to make the short walk down the hill and through the gate in silence. As our leader put it, this was in recognition that many people who come to Iona are seeking discernment on some issues, and often the Spirit speaks to us in the silence.
The question of whether to leave Suburban Pres. or not was foremost in my mind all week. I honestly was leaning towards leaving altogether. The transition from full-time to part-time seemed fraught with pitfalls, especially in a program size church that acts more like a corporate church. But I decided to “walk with” that question, “Am I really called to leave,” as we walked to the hermit’s circle.
It’s hard to convey just how quiet it is on this island. And that day was even more so. It is physically quiet, but it is also spiritually quiet. And so I made my way down the hill in silence and found a place to sit on the stones of the hermit’s circle. All the while I am asking, “Am I called to leave?”
At some point the last person made it down the mountain and through the gate, and out of the sound of sheer silence, the gate…
creaked…
closed.
And I thought, “So it is then.”
It seemed so clear. The door closed. Latched. This chapter of my life is coming to an end.
Except now, it’s not.
I have thought about this a lot since returning. The guidance was just so clear. Of course I would never make a life decision based solely on a creaky gate. The gate just pointed the same direction as everything else did. But now, life is saying, “Open,” even though the gate clearly said, “Closed.”
So the discussion today with the spiritual director is how to tell when “signs” are really “signs” and when they are signs of something different than what one thought. And when they’re just random stuff that happens. As I said recently, “Everything means (or can mean) something on a pilgrimage.” So like Inigo Montoya, I’m saying, “I do not think it means what you think it means.”
I can’t remember what my spiritual director—a jolly Dominican nun just a few years older than I—said in response to all this, though it was almost definitely a question rather than a declaration. But like a flash I realized: when a gate swings shut, it doesn’t just close off a path. It also creates a boundary. A safe space. A refuge.
Now that opens up a whole lot for me to think about. Before my appointment today I was focused on whether I’d gotten the answer wrong. But my spiritual director helped shift the question: In what way is God providing a sense of boundaries as I consider this new opportunity to work part-time?
It’s a question I’m looking forward to living with over these next several months!
9 Responses to “after spiritual direction”
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Asides
» I have been remiss in posting SBJ’s latest stats: 23 pounds and 27 inches at six months. Yes, I’ve got the big mama biceps.
» Aaaaaand little she-who-is lost another tooth this week!
» SBJ is four months old, 19 pounds 5 ounces, and 26 inches tall. GIGANTOR!
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Aside: I love that quote from Princess Bride. In our house, our favorite is “Lemme splain. No, there is too much. Lemme sum up.”
On topic: I love how you’re living the questions around this issue and allowing us in. And yes, good spiritual direction is a fantastic thing.
My thoughts while reading this post was that the gate shut and you were in a safe sanctuary. A place where contemplation and free thought can come to be examined without issue. I feel that you are on the right path with the part time minestry, for the moment. I think your calling is greater and will be able to be explored and fufilled in its greatness in a few years (once all are over 5).
I was told yesterday that I need to have passion for my work, that when I walk through the door, the outside world can not interfear with the corporate world that I am a part of. It was at that point that I made my decision to find a new job that allows me to be with my family more often that I currently am. My passion is my family. My job is just that - a job - a means of support. There will be sacrifice and we will have to cut back on many, many things, but thats just it. Its things.
Your passion is your ministry, but it needs to be how you define it and choose to share it as opposed to how the Suburban Presby defines it.
Just a few thoughts from an invisable interneter…
Beth
Beth, I was just listening to a lecture by Parker Palmer (check him out if you haven’t) and he was talking about “compartmentalization” and how this is often lifted up as an admirable trait. He really lamented this, quite convincingly. Good for you, looking for something that aligns with what you value.
He also talked about the struggle to align “the soul with the role”: who we are with what we do. Quakers aren’t usually prone to pithy rhymes but I really liked that. It has to do with authenticity and congruence, which seem all too rare these days. Yet it’s what we all long for, eh?
What’s cool about the Sabbath Project is that it allows my passion for ministry to connect with my passion for raising a healthy family (while trying to be healthy myself). That is one of the greatest gifts of four years of ministry at SPC. I don’t feel as much like I’m fulfilling a role, or even doing a job; rather, I am leading out of who I am and what I value and inviting others to come along, or not.
In one sense it’s selfish. I formulated the Lent Series on the creative arts because that’s what I’m interested in. In another sense, what is the alternative? They called *me* to be their pastor, right? (And people did enjoy it.)
While night shirt and shiite nerd would be quite a challenge; and since I know you love one, I might go that way. But still, breastfeed/fest breed seems to have lots of interesting possibilities, so that’s my vote.
The refuge of the gate with strong stones around, especially as it seems to be in the middle of an open sacred space, sounds like a really good place to be.
refuge. I like that.
Do you know the song Saranam? Reminds me of that.
I’m not sure that creating a program that grows from who you are is selfish…as I worked hard to make more space in my life, a question my spiritual director suggested I think about with respect to various activities was whether it was something that use the gifts particular to me, or whether this was something any competent soul could do? Sabbath programs, arts, these use your unique gifts and perspectives, yes?!
And yes, good spiritual direction is an incredible gift!
Maybe the gate closing meant just what you thought it meant originally…that you were meant to leave SPC or at least meant to FEEL and GRIEVE and EMBODY what that would be like for you and your family AND then once you had FELT that “leaving” you were more able to see a way through to part time work that allowed for both healthy family and healthy ministry. And eventually come full circle back to your calling at SPC.
I think God’s calling and signs are like a river that changes course while all the while remaining the same river.
Love the gate analogy. It leaves room for so many possabilites, perhpas to not go back agian, but ability to llok back on where yo uahve been, thus using that expericne for the next journey…
“Gosh, that sloopy part with the losse rocks caused me to stumble a bit, need t owatch those in future, bu ya know when I stumbled, I looked down and saw the most goregous purple wildflowers, tiny and in such a small patch…”
Also, a Princess Bride fan, you can never have too much of that one.
Blessings,
1-4
so exciting
as I was reading this - I was thinking that no the gate is not closing to ministry - but to full time ministry for now -
Ps 16:6 I think says that the boundary lines are put in pleasant places for us by God and I really want to bless you as you continue to follow and obey Him
PS I wrote about signs today over at my place. Funny
God is so awesomely funny sometimes.