Comments on: i don’t laugh at kids

By: heathadahlin

heathadahlin — Wed, 26 Sep 2007 03:07:51 +0000

Thanks for posting this. We need to work on it more here. I have one child who is particularly sensitive to the laughing with/near/about business. Sadly for him, we are all laughers. I’ll be thinking about this more and working to change my reactions (or gauge them better).

By: sherry

sherry — Wed, 26 Sep 2007 02:22:07 +0000

That would make me 400lbs. He’s 11.

By: reverendmother

reverendmother — Wed, 26 Sep 2007 01:17:42 +0000

I would hope he’s not 1/4 of your weight anymore…

By: sherry

sherry — Tue, 25 Sep 2007 22:33:48 +0000

Uh, that would be 1/4 of his mother’s weight. And it isn’t true anymore.

By: sherry

sherry — Tue, 25 Sep 2007 22:08:57 +0000

I think it is like the T.Berry Brazelton thing of holding and hugging a tantruming child in one’s lap to help them regain control. That just didn’t work with a 35 pound three year old who was 1/3 the weight of his mother, especially if the legs and arms were flying. We stumbled upon a new way to regain control.

It became a way to give an “out”, as you put it. It became a different way to approach frustration, to laugh at the situation and find a unique way around the problem at hand. Laughing “with” afterwards embarrasses him. He says it reminds him of his mistakes.

Did it snap me out of it? Maybe. I will say that I absolutely detested being laughed at or with as a child (and still if honest) and that this would not have worked with me. Everyone is different. It was and is hard to learn that my kids react differently than me to things.

By: reverendmother

reverendmother — Tue, 25 Sep 2007 20:52:33 +0000

Sherry, you are so right about not taking on the kid’s stuff. This morning M was SO upset because she wanted to wear C’s shoes. She would not calm down. I’m not always able to remain detached from that, but the times I can are a real blessing. Her feelings did not infect my day.

But for me, laughter is not a part of that differentiation. Does it actually snap *him* out of it or just you? If the former, well then you’ve found what works for your kid. Wouldn’t have worked for me.

I also think having a good laugh later, *with* the child, after she’s calmed down, is part of how we teach a child to take herself less seriously. I just don’t see how that works in the moment, unless a kid really knows she’s being irrational and is relieved that the parent gives her an “out.”

By: Scott

Scott — Tue, 25 Sep 2007 12:28:38 +0000

Oh, I was SO that kid when I was younger. Hated talking about girls because I always knew my parents would chuckle when I was deeply anxious about it. To this day I struggle at trying new things because I HATE being the guy who gets laughed at for not being “in the know.”

That having been said, I had never thought about this from a parental perspective until you posted this. Thanks - it’s helped me look at how Ainsley and I interact and how I can help her avoid some of the angst and paranoia that I have to manage today. And, like you said, I’m sure I’ll add in some other kind of angst and paranoia, but at least it’ll be HERS, not mine.

By: tribalchurch

tribalchurch — Tue, 25 Sep 2007 12:26:28 +0000

My dad’s disabled. As a child, I was always struck by the cruelty of laughter, because people often laughed at the way he walked.

I think, for that reason, we didn’t laugh at each other.

My husband, for the last fourteen years, has been working hard to teach me how to have a sense of humor about myself. It’s been a great gift.

But…I’ll never forget those early lessons either….

By: sherry

sherry — Tue, 25 Sep 2007 12:13:37 +0000

If God had not given my second child the ability to say some of the most ridiculously funny and inappropriate things as he was throwing his horrible fits, I would have lost it by now. He gets frustrated, angry, and in the past aggressive….and sometimes that is just funny. Laughing is a way to distance myself from his response and not take his stuff on. (And yes, I know that as the adult I should remain calm, cool and collected….but if your children have not made you act inappropriately and shamefully then you are blessed.)

Ignoring some behaviors just doesn’t work with some children. Laughing at them does. It breaks the tension, changes the tide and makes everyone take a deep breath.

By: Katieg

Katieg — Tue, 25 Sep 2007 01:59:48 +0000

Well… this is very disturbing. I was busy “dieing” in my room, and you were all downstairs laughing at me? I did not realize this at the time. Now I am truly traumatized. Wouldn’t you have felt bad if I had actually died? That would have shown you….
I never thought about it, but I am very sensitive to J-girl when she is genuinely upset about something. Sometimes she expresses herself in a way that is hard to take seriously (I can’t describe why - just something about her mannerisms). Dan will occasionally brush it off, and I go kind of “postal” on him (”she needs to have the opportunity to express herself!!!!”). Likewise, I get excessively peeved when I feel like I am not taken seriously about something.

That being said, there is a difference between genuine emotions a temper tantrum. Take the feelings seriously… the tantrum, not so much. I’m not sure where my “threats of death” would fall on that tantrum/feeling scale.

If I had been born this century, maybe instead of saying “I’m going to go die in my room” I would have said “I’m going to go blog in my room!”