I don’t believe in destiny. Seems hokey to me.
However.
My grandmother had four children: two girls, then two boys.
My mother had four children: two girls, then two boys, with three years, two years, and two years between them.
I have two girls and a boy, with three years, then two years between them.
Is the writing on the wall?
I have felt somewhat pessimistically that with three kids I’ve crossed this threshold that makes full-time pastoral ministry impractical or even impossible. The other day I had this reckless thought: shoot, if I’ve already crossed the point of no return, why not just have four?
NO!!!!!! I really don’t want to go there. As my friend Jan says, everyone’s here now. I’m through being pregnant. I’ve been pregnant or nursing 6 out of the last 7 years. I would be like 38 when he (and it would be a he) arrives. Five people in a family is cool. It’s prime.
(It sounds like there should be a “but” following all that. There isn’t. We’re done. I don’t know where that thought came from, except that I’m getting more sleep so life doesn’t seem quite so busily bleak.)
Why do I feel like three kids automatically relegates me to the mommy track? I know several pastors with three children and they have great ministries. I think part of it is that I’m enjoying part-time. A lot. And wondering if I’ll ever want to go back to full-time. It gives all of us so much more space. And what’s wrong with the mommy track anyway? Would I rather have those 20 hours of work I gave up, or SBJ? No contest.
I’m not looking to change calls, but with my five-year ordination anniversary pending, what’s next is on my mind. I really don’t know what “moving on” would look like if I didn’t want to work full time. We also don’t want to move—we don’t want to leave our house (it’s close to R’s work, we’re finally getting it the way we want it, bad time to sell a house), and we don’t want to leave the area (MaDear, lots of other benefits).
The same day that I had this wild let’s-have-four-kids thought, we had a staff retreat. The facilitator asked us to think about Suburban Pres as a human body and consider what part of the body we were. Then others would chime in with how they saw each person. It was fun: thought-provoking and silly both.
A common answer for a pastor/preacher might be mouth or heart, I guess. I said the uterus! That’s where new life occurs. It is a place of nourishment and rest but also challenge (contractions). Anyway, others chimed in with additional thoughts, and as I sat there I felt the truth of what they were saying (it’s nice when others see you as you see yourself) but I also thought, “These are all gifts befitting a pastor of a corporate-sized church.”
The thought depressed me. I don’t feel called to be at a corporate-sized church. I don’t know how I’d do it and have it not be all-consuming, and I’m not crazy about administration. And there’s that whole passel-of-kids thing.
Meanwhile I have gotten a few e-mails just in the last week from people who were appreciative of something I’d written, and encouraging me to keep going. That’s another piece of the puzzle.
It feels like there is some serious discernment work going on, even as I’m excited about continuing my current call in its present form.
No conclusions.
16 Responses to “disorganized discernment thoughts”
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Asides
» I have been remiss in posting SBJ’s latest stats: 23 pounds and 27 inches at six months. Yes, I’ve got the big mama biceps.
» Aaaaaand little she-who-is lost another tooth this week!
» SBJ is four months old, 19 pounds 5 ounces, and 26 inches tall. GIGANTOR!
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Uncle Ted and I agree, stopping at three is stopping at perfection. Luke and Uncle Kirk may have other opinions.
Much to discern. Thinking about you.
No hard thoughts here. Three is good!
Um, RM do you have some horrible disease that we don’t know about? Are you going to shrivel up and be unable to speak in 5 years? In 10 years, all your kids will be doing their own thing—you’ll be shuttling for sure, but probably not as inclined to stay home half time (especially since you’d be sitting home alone while they were all in school–oh wait, that might be nice, too). And my bet is you’ll still be a hot ticket as a senior pastor in 10 years. And you know what they call the senior pastor who gets called after (shudder) 45?
senior pastor.
I read aloud this blog post to your Gram this morning, just so you know.
I love you and support you in all your endeavors.
True enough ppb, but the discernment seems to be centered around what will happen next, not in five or ten years.
It’s possible and maybe even probable that I’ll get jazzed about fulltime work again at some point, but I guess I’ve been surprised at how much I like parttime, and not just because of the kidlets. We all work too much in this country.
I’d echo what PPB says about this not being a once for all time decision. Once all the kids are in school, you may feel differently about full time work. And I’m not surprised with the intense busy-ness you’ve been living with as a full time working mom of babies/toddlers for the last several years that part time is feeling pretty liberating right now. Is it a good idea to be making any decision after only a few months of living with your current choice? It seems like right now it is kind of like a new romance: it feels WONDERFUL. It’s hard to imagine it wil ever not feel like this. Better wait until the shiny-ness wears off to make any major-impact decisions.
I guess I was just trying to say that you can have it all–just not all at the same time. Praise be.
I keep thinking I should have something insightful to contribute, but…a teeny bit sleep deprived today. I too am loving part-time, for all kinds of reasons, both for myself and for the congregation it seems to be a good idea. I still have guilt about how much/little I’m working in a given week–I don’t suppose I’ll ever escape the Protestant work ethic monkey.
My spouse is a Methodist pastor, so every year around this time, we start thinking, “what if they move us?” In that sense, I’m always thinking ahead to what’s next. Good in that I always am making myself be discerning where the Spirit might move me. Bad in that I sometimes forget to live where I am at the current moment.
And, for what it’s worth, I don’t think the “uterus” (wow, did Paul ever know you would go there with that metaphor?) kind of gifts are good only for a corporate-sized church. There’s plenty of other places that can use some vision and nurturing of good ideas.
Keep writing about this–you’re helping me figure out where I am myself. And I’m glad SBJ is here too!
Echoing what ppb said…you don’t feel called to be pastor of a corporate parish now, but who knows in 10 years, or even 15? You’ll still have the gifts. I think the idea that any of us know what we’ll be doing that far out is a bit far fetched.
So I guess I’d be asking myself what I feel called to do know that would both nourish and use those gifts. I don’t believe that continuing to do what you’re doing now at the same church or a different one would be shutting the door on being senior pastor later.
And I think that the writing piece would be there for you no matter what path you choose.
Discernment can be hard, though, no doubt about it–spoken as one trying to discern my own next step.
Yes, you’re discerning now, and that’s great. The thing is — you’re going to keep discerning, every coupla years, until somebody closes the lid on you, you know what I mean? It’s just so ongoing. Whatever it is, you will bring new life to it. And it will involve words. Maybe what you’re really wrestling with — is that your heart’s desires are changing a bit, or being defined differently. Growing pains. I’m just glad you’re there, doing the great things you do.
Ah! Ruth has helped articulate it.
The stereotypical career path is that you work your way “up” to bigger and bigger churches. Forget that it doesn’t really work that way for most people, and that it’s about call and where the Spirit leads, yada yada–it’s still a very common way of thinking about ministry when you’re starting out.
I have some close friends who have moved into head of staff positions recently, or who are looking for that after years as an associate or a solo pastor of a small church. I’ve always thought I might do that at some point, I just figured it would take a little longer, and that’s OK. And I might still someday, but yes, it’s that the “heart’s desires are changing a bit.” Maybe. Because the fact is, I’m just as busy as I was before, I’m just filling my time with other stuff, stuff I enjoy a great deal and feel called to.
It’s like there’s all this input and a voice saying, “Pay attention.” So I am. And it’s interesting.
It’s good to hear everyone’s thoughts. I’m really not in a hurry about this. I’m just surprised, because I feel like I’ve done so much discernment about the near-term already, trying to figure out part-time, that I thought I was done with discernment for a while and could just coast! I know discernment doesn’t ever stop, but there are times when it ebbs and flows.
The thing about discernment going on and on..it reminds me that once upon a time I thought that I would feel like I had “arrived,” that I would know that I was doing what I was supposed to be doing “forever, ” that I would feel “finished” and grown up somehow. It’s actually a relief to realize that’s not so, although there are times when I think it would certainly make life easier if it were. I’m happier to consider myself still a work in progress.
It’s two edged sword, too–to live fully in the moment while at the same time discerning the next step is a real balancing act (okay mixing my metaphors, but I hope you get what I mean).
Thinking of you and praying for you in your discernment.
From Laura Lippman’s blog:
Keith: nice.