C came down with the poopy pukey crud today. Ran a fever of 101. Now recent signs (ahem) suggest that M will be getting it soon.
Will J be next? Hope not, but he’s teething with a vengeance. Woke up every 2 hours last night.
R was able to take off half a day and be with C&J so I could work on some writing I needed to get done, but there’s a lot left to do before I leave Sunday for a week of study leave.
I’ll be meeting with a group of young-ish clergy folks for lectionary study. I can’t wait to be with these folks, but it won’t exactly be sabbath time, what with J coming with me. Things went OK at our overnight thing earlier this week, but I probably missed 20-25% of the actual meeting, dealing with him. It was still worthwhile, but I did ask myself “Why do I do this to myself? Why don’t I just say no to this stuff?”
I realized that, though I have a colleague who can tend toward overfunctioning, I really can’t talk, because I overfunction too, just not solely at the church. I overfunction in my LIFE.
I have been thinking lately about interruptions. The meme in ministry is that the interruptions ARE your ministry. We should never be so tied to The Schedule that we can’t stop and attend to the person right in front of us. That is true, but working a half-time position makes me, if not reject the party line outright, at least rethink it. Sometimes the interruption simply isn’t as important as the thing that you were working on before the interruption–the thing that you had carved out time to do.
In fact, we can keep ourselves over-busy with urgent-but-not-important matters, all the while putting off the important, hard work of ministry, whatever that might be. We talked at our training this week about leadership, and how leaders need to keep their “eyes on the prize” and not get blown off course. It’s not that the person in front of us isn’t important. But distractions are one way that “the Adversary” can keep us from the work of transformation. The tyranny of the urgent.
It’s also an extrovert/introvert thing for me. I think I’m more introverted than the Myers-Briggs instrument indicates for me, and so it’s important to find ways to honor my own needs, even in the midst of the interruptions. So I screen calls when appropriate. I make judicious use of a “do not disturb” sign at church. If someone asks “Is this a good time to [talk about non-urgent thing]” I will often see if we can schedule another time. But I sometimes wonder if this will negatively impact my ministry down the road, i.e. “She’s not available when I ‘need’ her.” Pastors who drop everything at a moment’s notice are affirmed.
I came across a story recently of a tall-steeple pastor in the denomination, about how, after months of not really having any quality time with his wife, the two of them carved out some time one Friday night. About midnight the phone rang, and seeing the caller ID, he surmised that it might be a ministry matter. He answered the phone. (At this point I’m wondering how he could say he “carved out time” if he answered the phone, but whatever, I wasn’t there.) It was a person who needed to talk, and while he admits to being irritated initially, the denouement of the story provides a nice “ministry moment,” which he obviously would have missed had he not answered the call.
Am I a bad person for admitting that I would have at least screened the call, if not ignored it altogether? What about all those months of not having any time with my spouse?
Now, R thinks that this is a generational thing. His theory is that our generation is much more likely to screen calls, to use the technology available to us (answering machine, caller ID), than older generations do, even if they have that technology available: If the phone rings, you answer it. Maybe. But I also am wondering, maybe it’s not generational. Maybe this is what it takes to be considered a good pastor. And maybe I’m not willing to do that…?
14 Responses to “2 down, 1 to go? and interruptions”
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Sorry to hear about the poopy-pukey crud. Ugh. Hope they are better soon.
As for the introvert/extrovert issue, I can so identify with what you are saying. I used to think that I HAD to answer the phone every single time it rang. Not anymore. I can’t imagine life without caller I.D. And some people will suck away your time and energy, leaving those must-be-done chores for slots that should be marked as family time or sleep time. But you are right - there is much criticism for those of us who choose to set those boundaries. When I was a seminary intern, I remember how the senior pastor was badmouthed because he closed his study door when he was studying, writing, etc. “But our last pastor NEVER closed his door!” I guess I should have seen these boundary red flags early on, but I had to learn about them the hard way.
yeah, you do kinda overfunction in your life. i just thought it was part of the curse of being the elect
just so you know, you’re not totally alone. i often make people fit into my schedule, not always the other way around, unless it’s a true emergency (true emergency = about to die or massive bleeding), which happen rather rarely, really. if you’re a bad person for not answering that hypothetical call, i would be, too. i would hate to be that pastor’s partner.
when my grandmother died, i called my college chaplain in tears. she was very sympathetic, but couldn’t meet with me then, as she had to go pick up her kids (she had three, too, actually). we set a time to meet a few days later. i don’t think i was scarred by that. i think it reminded me she has a life and is a person, too.
if that’s what it takes, i won’t and can’t do it.
This is the same thing that I am actually “in trouble” with a parishioner about right now. Her father died and her email to the staff about it (which came Monday afternoon after Easter) didn’t sound needy or anything. Other things were really pressing (I was leading worship for a conference, I had a confirmation retreat to plan, a mission trip orientation to attend out of town, a youth who was thinking about cutting, a couple whose marriage was falling apart–you know, the usual) and I forgot to make time to talk with her. She didn’t call or stop by–just the one email, so I figured either she was fine or the other pastor had taken good care of her. WRONG. It turns out this was one time I should have heeded the interruption because now I’m in trouble and it’s not looking like there’s a lot of grace in the situation.
I didn’t mean to hijack your blog or to make my list of excuses/explanations for why I dropped a ball, but since it just happened I’m going to leave it–I obviously needed that before I meet with this woman tomorrow!
All that to say–sometimes the interruption is more important than it looks on the surface, I guess. (live and learn…)
Wise advice from my spiritual director for those of us with a tendency to overcommit: not every need that presents itself is a call from the Holy Spirit for action.
Hope the more immediate crises resolve without producing TOO much laundry
As the man with whom I am now job-sharing puts it, there are no overworked pastors, just overworking ones. We do it to ourselves.
If they can’t reach you through 9-1-1, a dedicated red telephone, or a bat signal, it can wait.
I’m laughing at Keith - you’re spot on about the bat signal…
So sorry to hear about the crud - hope it’s all settled by the weekend.
As for the introvert/extrovert piece - I’m almost entirely introvert, so I value the “me” time whenever I can find it (considerable time at the moment). I have learned that I have to let go of the commentary on the “saintly” ministers of the past who dropped everything for anything needed by a parishioner. Old Rev. Busierthanhell who worked 80 hours a week might be seen as a hero to his former congregations, but I’m guessing his family doesn’t feel the same. Where was the balance back in the day???
I say, go with the caller ID.
I love what you said about overworked/overworking pastors. So correct.
I agree, although it’s not just ministers of the past… I still know one who will drop everything—day off or not, etc. …and is much beloved.
This is timely for me. I just got an urgent request (read: demanding, snarky email) from a parishioner to join the local “business persons’/community leaders’” Friday 8:00 am coffee klatch. Friday. My one day off.
My inner voice keeps asking “How much leadership does a village of 2,000 souls need?” There are about 20 people on the email list for this group.
I’m sorry, but the logic “The Lutheran pastor shows up to every one” is not a good enough reason to drag my butt out of bed at 6:30 on my only day off. I will give up my day for a death or an urgent spiritual need, or even (God help me) a wedding rehearsal, but not this.
No less than three elders from our church sit in on this group. I think we are pretty well represented.
But enough about me; sorry for the crud.
While I am not a pastor and do not understand the tyranny of the urgent in that sense, I spent 4 years in the Navy and nearly lost myself. It was serious. I spent a year in counseling as a result. And I learned that while many folks portray Jesus as a “no-boundary” kinda of guy, that is the farthest thing from the truth. In fact it’s crazy! He told people no all the time! Even to (especially to?) his family and the disciples. He left gatherings without telling anyone, he withdrew on His own and had people looking for him, etc. The more I studied it and thought about it, the more I realized I had permission to say no.
While I am NOT insinuating anyone here is guilty of this, one way our culture (read: church culture) propogates the mentality of overfunctioning is by not respecting someone’s “no.” The minitry leader/deacon/elder/pastor who doesn’t respect someone’s “no” put’s spiritual pressure on someone to say yes. “But the children really need you…how will they grow up to know Jesus???” Sheesh…they can lay it on thick!
I have probably written too much as it is for this comment so I will end to say that if you don’t respect someone’s “no,” their “yes” is worthless.
I am technically speaking of an older generation than you, but I screen my calls all the time at home. I am also an extreme introvert, fwiw.
q: is being a “much beloved pastor” and being a “good” pastor the same thing?
I found your blog through Towanda and am enjoying it! I can definitely sympathize. If I don’t jealousy guard my space and my time with my family I eventually get so off-balance I really can’t minister. I wonder how often pastors end up really enabling congregants by responding immediately and all the time? I also wonder if women are often more expected to be willing to immediately drop everything and be the nurturing all-present one. I’ve noticed in my own life and in internships that often male pastors are allowed a bit more latitude in saying no than women are. I tend too far in the “give me my space” direction and often need to remind myself to be more open to the moment, but I do think pastors do everyone a disservice when they don’t take time for themselves and their families. It’s a really unhealthy life and spirituality to model.
Paraphrase of wise words written by will smama - It’s easy to say no to stuff that is a bad idea. It’s much harder to say no to a good thing that may not be the right thing right now.
I absolutely agree, often the interruption is not nearly as important as what is being interrupted. When I was in school, I had three notes for the door of my home office. They read
1. Welcome (on green)
2. Is it important? (on yellow)
3. Are you dying? (on pink because I didn’t have red.)
The idea was I would rate the urgency/importance of what I was doing and put the appropriate sign on the door. Then my family was expected to rate the urgency/importance of their interruption. We didn’t really use the system that much, but I think those two questions are good ones to ask ourselves in these situations.
Let me know if you all figure out how to walk this tightrope of self care and pastoral care.